Daily News February 18

Get Drunk, Get Cash
A New York man has been awarded $2.3 million after he sued New York City’s transit authority when he was hit by a subway.  At the time of the accident, he was coming home from a hockey game and was highly intoxicated (twice the legal limit).  Someone how stumbled onto the train tracks and was hit by a subway.  His leg was severed in the incident.  According to the lawsuit, the subway driver was responsible for the accident because it was alleged that he had time to stop, but didn’t.  The driver said he thought the man laying on the tracks was an inert object, not a person.  Even though the man was drunk, he was only 35% responsible for what happened, so he will not get the $3.5 that he asked for, just $2.5 million.

Anybody want to get trashed, then wander onto some train tracks?  If we don’t die, we could get paid.  These are hard economic times and we have to get that dollar however we can get it.  This is truly a wonderful country where you can get trashed, fall onto a train tracks, then sue them when the train hits you.  All the way an asshole, but only partially responsible.  Yay, America!

Ape Escape
A Connecticut chimpanzee–yes, chimpanzee, is now dead after police was forced to shoot it during a “when animals attack” episode.  The chimpanzee had been featured in Old Navy and Coca-Cola commercials and had been with its owner for 14 years.  The owner treated him very well, like he was her own child, then one day it just got up and attacked the shit out of her.  Before the attack, the owner called her friend to ask for her help in putting the chimp back into its cage because he was acting unruly.  When the friend arrived, the big ass monkey went crazy and started attacking his owner.  He bit her face, scratched her neck with his nails and caused serious life-threatening damage.  The friend called 911 after she stabbed the chimp.  The chimp, which weighs 200 pounds, was completely unfazed by this.  She also tried beating him with a shovel, but he was like, “whatever, bitch.”

The 911 call is absolutely hysterical, with the woman screaming, “He’s ripping her apart.”  The police came and were able to temporarily subdue the animal, but it got out of control again and so they were forced to shoot it.  Once again, this did nothing because the chimp got up and walked back into the house after they had put it in the police cruiser.  The chimp did die however, because it bled out.

They do not know if the chimp was rabid or had Lyme disease.  The friend said the owner got a radical new haircut and maybe the chimp did not recognise her.  The owner had trained him very well.  He could surf the internet, change the TV channel, drink wine, feed the horses and a bunch of other stuff.  The woman is in critical condition.

So, uhm, a 200 pound monkey is not really a pet.  Sure, they’re so cute when they’re little and cuddly and fluffy, but when they grow up and start flinging their shit around the house, it’s time to either call a French restaurant or the San Diego zoo and see if anybody’s taking orders.  We’ve all seen the show When Animals Attack.  Yeah, she knew him for 14 years, but it’s like when slaves rise up.  Oh, yeah, they’ve been docile all those years they’ve suffered on the plantation, but after you’ve strengthened them up a bit, and they start calling you master, you’re lulled into a false sense of security.  That’s when it’s time for a beat down.  Animals are still animals, no matter how domesticated they get.  This woman had a goddamn monkey sitting at her dining room table drinking wine… wine, of all things.  No wonder his attacked her.  He was probably drunk.  And I don’t think this counts as battered spouse syndrome.

Lice Heads Allowed to Stay in School
After a recommendation by the American Academy of Pediatrics, many school systems are going to begin allowing children with nits (lice eggs) to stay in school instead of being sent home as they used to.  The reasons behind this change in policy are absolutely outrageous.  They claim that they do not want to interrupt the child’s educational process, cause the parent to miss work or humiliate the child by sending him home just because he has nits, which is not yet contagious until they hatch and become full blown LICE!

One parent said her children were completely humiliated after they were discovered to have nits in their head.  They were told to go home, but the mother had to beg the school district to let the girls ride the bus.  The school relented, but wouldn’t let the girls sit next to anyone else and when they got off the bus, the bus driver sprayed the seat down with Lysol.  The next day, the girls had to go to work with their mother because she didn’t have a baby-sitter.  Other parents are annoyed that the schools would make such a stupid agreement.  One parent claimed her daughter got lice twice in one year because the school she goes to allows kids with nits to stay in class. 

I don’t have kids, but I do know that if I did, I wouldn’t want them in class with dirty little kids with head lice.  Nits are not contagious but once they hatch, the lice is contagious.  Why is that not really being looked at?  Although lice is not dangerous, it doesn’t kill anybody, just causes infection if areas are scratched too much, it’s still a filthy thing to have.  No one wants to sit in class with some kid that has shit crawling around in his head.  Am I the only that’s kind of outraged by this? 

I’m sorry that little Johnny has to miss school and that he’s embarassed and maybe his mommy cannot go to work tomorrow, but that’s just life.  Send his little ass home with some homework, some strong ass shampoo and come back tomorrow when you’ve cleaned up a bit.  Don’t parents have contigency plans in place for when their kids cannot go to school?  What if Johnny was sent home with the flu?  You’d have to stay home then, wouldn’t you?  You don’t have a baby-sitter on stand by or something? 

I hate parents because they are always using their kids as an excuse.  I have to miss work because of my kid.  You’re the one who had him, so make sure he takes a bath and washes his head so he don’t get lice and then maybe he won’t be sent home on the retard bus with a bottle of bleach and some Lysol.

This is precisely the reason why I will never have a kid.  Because of lice, damnit.


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