So far, 2009 has become the Year of the Revelation. It’s hardly March, and already the light has been shed upon a number of things. I wrote yesterday that God has been shining this light in my face all these years, but I either averted my eyes or let myself be blinded to the truth. I don’t know if it’s apart of “growing up” or if I suddenly just woke up and smelled the coffee.
Thus far, I have discovered screwy truths about mysterious family issues. I have been made aware of the hurtful behaviours of past lovers. Now, I am truly uncovering the extent of the follies of my friendships–if these disastrous relationships can even be called that.
When a family member shits on you, or shits on reality, there’s nothing one can do but wipe your ass and keep it moving. To me family is more important than anything. You cannot go it in the world alone. I can always remain aloof, as I choose to, but I would never completely alienate myself from my family, no matter how completely screwed they are. You learn how to deal with those specific family members and remember to take a long-handled spoon when you dine. One cannot choose one’s own family.
We won’t even get on the subject of lovers–let’s just skip straight to friends. We have the freedom to choose whom we want. I can either like you or leave you, that’s my perogative. Many of us think we have excellent judge of character. We think we can get to know someone down and deep. No matter how anti-social we are, we truly are social creatures. Face it: nobody likes being alone. You want that bosom buddy. So what do you when you pick the worst possible person to be your friend? What do you do when they completely just shit on you?
Yeah, you beat’em down, give’em a sound ass whooping, but what about the internal? You got these feelings. Anger. Humiliation. Sadness. Disappointment. Over time, these feelings fade, memories become hazy, you move on with your life. Some of us learn painful lessons about the notions of friendship, while some of us keep going back for the same punishment.
Today I got in contact with a very old friend of mine from college. We had a mutual friend, my closest friend ever in the whole wide world. He told me some things about my friend that were previously unknown to me. It was like a light going on, and everything I ever wondered was finally answered in a short email.
He and I, we were the original “peas and carrots.” We were so close that we finished each other sentences. We used to pretend that we were long-lost royal children. We got into so much trouble together. We had so much fun together.
As a military kid, I never had the benefit of long-standing friendships like normal kids do. You get these people who have known each other since kindergarten. I knew this guy since high school. That’s the longest I ever knew anybody, and I tried hard to keep that friendship going no matter where I went because I really wanted a friend that I could say I’ve known forever.
But people are never who they really are. Even after all that time, you would think that I knew him, through and through. We knew each other’s dirtiest secrets, family anomalies, hurts, dislikes, fears and our deepest, darkest dreams. How could I say I didn’t know him? How could I not know this guy?
Who would ever discover that years later all of this could happen? I mean, it was kind of like a slap in the face. I even tried to make excuses, like he must be going through things. Maybe he’s on drugs. Maybe it’s his personal struggle with those turmoils that always plagued him his whole life. Maybe it was family pressures. I knew those things about him, and I wanted to make sense of the situation.
I was devastated that I had to let our friendship go. There is loyalty, and then there’s just straight foolishness. I would have been a dummy to keep it going.
After talking to Paul (my old friend), I now know I did the right thing. I guess I think that like six years later it wouldn’t hurt me anymore, but the news did weird things to my psyche.
It made me realise, more than ever, I valued our friendship more than he did. Nothing is sacred with him. I was just another victim in a long line of casualties. that depresses me on a level that’s hard to explain. He treated me like any other mark, like your everyday casual user.
What does it do to me to discover that I had no meaningful significance? I seem to be discovering that a lot lately in 2009. The break-up baby, the insignificant other, the side-hoe, and now, just another dollar. Truly amazing.
But what doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger. I have an exterior harder than diamonds purposely designed to protect the fragility of the interior. I am not inhuman, but it’s time for a practical application. I pride myself on being rational, cool-headed and logical in times like these.
I always wondered what I would say to him if I ever crossed him in the streets. I used to want to run into his arms and forgive everything and even take the blame for whatever lay between us. I wanted us to be like peas and carrots again.
If I saw him tomorrow, I would shake my head in pity and cross the street.