Daily News March 16

Asleep At the Wheel
We’ve heard of people falling asleep while driving and causing serious accidents, and we’ve heard of people who have pulled up to the stoplight and dozed off for a few seconds, but who has everslept through six whole lights?  A PA man has been cited after he fell asleep in his SUV at a stoplight.  He was asleep through six lights despite other drivers honking at him to wake up.  Officers were called to the scene and they discovered the man in a deep sleep, with his foot on the brake and an open beer in the cup holder.  After they finally got him to wake up, they had to stop the SUV from rolling into the intersection because his foot came off the brake.,  The man was intoxicated, so naturally, he got a DUI.

And they just give licenses to anybody.  Apparently, he fell into an alcohol-induced stupour.  I need him not to be completely knocked out at a stoplight with an open beer int he car.  What if he fell asleep while driving, causing a major accident?  Or what if his foot had slipped off the brake and he just rolled into the middle of traffick?  People just don’t think.  But all he is going to get is a DUI, pay a fine, get his license back and he’ll be back on the streets doing something else dumb like driving, talking on a cell phone and breastfeeding at the same time… oh wait, that’s been done already.

Checking Out
A Massachusetts woman is being held on a $3500 bond after she was caught stealing from a hospital nursery.  The woman came to the hopsital in the first place to deliver her baby.  As she was being checked out, she was told to go to the nursery to get her kid.  After confirming that she was indeed the mother of a child, the nurse let the woman have her kid.  As she woman was leaving the nursery, she grabbed her kid, someone else’s purse and someone’s else cell phone.  Then she fled the hospital without paying her charges.  Eventually she was caught.  Turns out, she had a crack habit to support which is why she stole the purse and cell phone, which she sold for crack money.  The purse and cell phone belonged to a woman who had just delivered triplets.

This is just wrong on so many levels.  Okay, you go to the hospital to have a baby, did you also plan in advance to rob it?  For crack money.  Since obviously she’s cuckoo for crack pipes, why was she being released?  Why was the kid being released?  What kind of hospital is this?  The theft is just really weird, but if she was that pressed for crack, then she must have been an addict.  So was the baby born normally, and that’s why they let her go with the kid?  I feel like there is so much more to this story then we’re being told.  So the woman is now in jail.  Where is the infant?  I hope she didn’t leave him at the crackhouse. 

Model Behaviour
Three people were arrested and six people injured in a model melee in the audtion line for America’s Next Top Model.  Police have no idea what caused the mayhem, only that models began mopping the streets with each other’s fake hair.  One witness say everyone began running so she ran too having no idea what she was running for.  Tyra Banks says she is greatly disturbed by what happened.

I heard they were fighting because a Krispy Kreme truck had just went by and they were fighting over the last donut.  You know how models be starving themselves so they can be the thinnest possible.  They were probably hungry, standing in line all night to be the Next Top Model.  Feed the kids.  Jerry’s kids.

The Rich Getting… Poorer?
In these rough economic times, it seems the rich are actually getting poorer, instead of the same old cycle of the rich getting richer.  A recent report has been released stating that there are 30% less billionaires than there were last year.  There were 1125 billionaires last year, and this year there are only 793.  Three-hundred fifty-five (355) people are no longer billionaires and 18 of them died.  There are 38 new ones and 3 people who were billionaires before are now billionaires again.  Even the amount of money these people have is less than before.  Of the 793 super rich people, they are worth a total of $2.4 trillion (yes, trillion) which is less than the $4.4 trillion they were worth last year.  The average billionaires is worth $3 billion.  Bill Gates is now the world’s richest man again, even though he lost $18B last year.  Warren Buffett is number 2 after losing $25B.  Carlos Helu, a Mexican media mogul is number 3.  The biggest loser of all the billionaires is an Indian named Ambani.  He lost 76% of his net worth, totaling $32B.  So where are all these filthy rich folks?  Twenty-four (24) are Indian, 28 are Chinese, 27 are Russian (down from 74 last year) and 55 are form New York, down from 71 last year.  Forty-one (41) per cent are American, and we have 44% of the wealthy.

Less billionaires?  Whoop-de-fucking-doo.  I’m sorry to hear that you guys are losing so much money, but you can cry me a river because there’s plenty more where that came from.  If I lost 76% of my net worth, I would have $13.58 left, which would probably get me a Denny’s Grand Slam and half a stick of Wrigley’s gum.  Mr. Ambani, I’m sure losing $32B really hurt your feelings, but guess what… you still got a couple billion dollars left.  Somehow, I think you’re going to be okay.  Oh yeah, and if anybody is looking for a sugar daddy, the youngest billionaires are mostly Asian and Middle Eastern.  Anybody want to go to Dubai?


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