Daily News March 17

Petoria
Remember the Family  Guy episode where Peter Griffin decided that he was going to be his own country called Petoria?  Well, a man in Pennsylvania has decided that somehow this was a good idea after he was caught drinking and driving.  The man told the officer that he could not be arrested because he was his own country and therefore had not broken any laws.  The man kept up the insanity when he went to the court, telling the judge that he lived “inside himself,” and not in Pennyslvania.  The man insisted on a trial, but the judge insisted on a psych exam.

So, would you really want to be your own country?  It might be fun to make up all your own laws and do whatever the fuck you wanted to do, but what about little things like running water, electricity and food?  Because if you’re not living in American, but in [insert your name here]-ville, then you don’t get that stuff anymore.  Have fun with that.

Spidey Sense
A California man is relieved to have been bitted by a brown recluse.  The man had been paralysed from the waist down following a motorcycle accident 21 years ago.  After the spider bite, he had to go into hospital because he contracted a serious infection.  Eight months into treatment, his nurse noticed there was movement and sensitivity in the man’s nerves.  One week after she noticed this, the man made a full recovery from both the spider bite and the paralysis.  Brown recluse spiders have serious bites that deaden tissue and cause gruesome scars in the skin.  If bitten in a major artery, the bite can prove fatal.

After reading this story, a forum had opened up and a lot of people were saying that the man was faking it all this time.  I am not sure who the fuck would want to fake being paralysed for 21 years.  Twenty-one years of having someone wipe your ass, of pissing in a bag, of missing out on all the fun things in life.  Being paralysed in America is not exactly cheap, despite Medicaid and all that stuff; it’s barely living.  Who wants to be a cripple?  For the parking?  Oh wait, he’s paralysed, not exactly driving around.  Even if he was faking it, I don’t think he could let a brown recluse bite him for fun.  Then spend eight agonising months in hopsital only to get up and suddenly walk?  Like, I can’t take this shit no more, I was just playing the whole time.  When I was in basic training a girl got bit in the face by a brown recluse while she slept.  She described the pain as agonising.  It left a horrible scar after the doctors had to dig out the bad tissue in her cheek.  I’m not sure what kind of person is like…yeah, that sounds like fun.

A Fish Tank, a Bottle of Beer and Three Dollars
Two Florida men were arrested on assault charges when things got a little out of hand on the way home from a strip joint.  Two friends got a phone call from a third friend who needed a ride home from the bar that night.  The two friends arrived and told the third friend that he needed to give them $3 for gas money.  The third friend agreed but when they started driving, he flipped the script and said he was not going to pay after all.  A fight broke out inside the car when the driver reached into the back seat, picked up a fish tank and began smashing it repeatedly over the other man’s head.  In retaliation, the man picked up a beer bottle and smacked him with it.  All three were in the car fighting when the first guy managed to pull the car over–yes, he was still driving, and called the police.  When the police came, they arrested the driver and the friend from the strip club because they had used weapons in the fight.  The fish tank and beer bottle were both described as deadly weapons.

Is it that serious over $3?  I mean, really.  You can’t come up with $3?  Maybe he spent it all on the hookers, who knows?  But the other guy should have just told him to get out if he wasn’t going to pay.  Because I can’t really understand how smashing him with an aquarium is going to solve the problem.  Now they are both in jail.  So, uhm… what can we learn from this?  Yeah, I’ll just walk.  Thanks, guys.

There’s a Name For That
A Las Vegas man had to call police after he was allegedly swindled by two women posing as massage therapists.  The man had recently won several thousand dollars at one of the gaming tables.  The two women were present when it happened and the man invited the women back to his hotel room where they proceeded to give him a “massage.”  During the process, somehow, his pants were removed and at that time the women stole his winnings and ran off.  They were later found and arrested.

A massage?  Is that what they are calling it these days?  There’s a name for these two women posing as Swedish massage therapists.  Prostitute much? This man must be from the backwoods of Iowa somewhere not to realise that the removal of clothing items and a massage usually results in a fee, in which case, the women felt they were entitled.  He’s lucky they didn’t flip out on him and demand theft of services.

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