Daily News April 6

Today is Monday, April 6, 2009. 
It is the 96th day of the year with 269 days to go.
Today in History:

In the year 0, the earliest recorded solar eclipse took place.
Also in the year 0, it is believed that Jesus of Nazareth was born on this date, although many different researchers have different ideas about His birth.
In the year 1830, Joseph Smith and 5 others founded the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormon Church)
In 1896, the first modern Olympics took place in Athens, Greece with 8 participating nations.
In 1909, Robert Peary, Matthew Henson and 4 Inuits were the first ever to reach the North Pole, even though some skeptics believe this didn’t really happen.

In the News:

It’s the Dog’s Fault
A domestic abuse call about a dog turned into a tragedy for Pittsburgh police over the weekend.  A Pennsylvania woman woke up to find that her son’s dog had pissed all over the floor.  when she confronted her son about it and asked him to clean it up, he went ballistic.  The woman called the police to ask them to remove the son from her home.  When the police arrived, the son began shooting at the police officers with a rifle from his bedroom window.  One officer was shot in the head, a seconf officer was also shot as he tried to assist the first officer that had fallen.  A third officer was shot and killed as he tried to help the other two.  Several other officers were injured in the fracas as the son fired over 100 rounds from an AK-47.  Eventually, the suspect ws shot by police, and at that point, he gave up shouting out the window, “Yeah, I’m shot.  I’m standing down.  Come in and help me.”  Investigators discovered that the man had been in the Marine Corps but had been discharged after he assaulted a drill sergeant during initial training.  Police have had to come to that home several times because of his behaviour.  The mother told police that since he was kicked out of hte military, he had been buying weapons and ammo online like he was preparing for a seige.

See how something so small turned into something major?  All he had to do was take care of business and none of this would have happened, now three cops are dead and several others are injured because of this jackass.  You know this guy ain’t gonna survive long because cops don’t really like it when other cops get shot in the line of duty.

Serial Shrimper
A Massachusetts man is in jail after he was caught stealing $500 worth of shrimp from a market in Salem.  Reportedly, he had been to the market several times to steal shrimp.  He was also caught shoplifting from another market in a different town.  A worker noticed his jacket was bulging and saw that he had shrimp stuffed into his coat.  AFter the man does time for the shrimp theft, he will be be sent to Oklahoma to face drug charges.  The man will not tell authorities why  he stole the shrimp.

Shrimp and drugs?  Because the two always go together.  Maybe it’s like a new scheme to hide drugs or something.

Speaking of Bizarre Thefts
A German man is being sought after he stole 68 tubes of toothpaste from a grocery store.  An alert clerk noticied that something wasn’t quite right about the man’s bulging jacket.  She approached him and tubes of toothpaste began falling out.  He punched her and ran away.  A police spokeswoman said, “I do not know if he had bad teeth or what.”

Ferrarri Fuck-Up
A man has been arrested on DUI charges after he called 911 to report that his Ferrarri was stuck on the train tracks.  During his drunken joyride around town, the man tried to cross the train tracks in his low-slung sports car, but the car became lodged on the tracks.  While he was still inside the car, he called 911 as a train approached.  The operator calmly stated the obvious:  “Get out of the car and get off the tracks.”  The car was completely totalled, but the train was fine and there were no reported inuries.

I think the insurance cmopany should not pay his claim on account of sheer stupidity.  Okay, he was a drunk, and that’s just sad, but drive your sports car over top some train tracks and then get it stuck.  Then you have the nerve to call 911, like she’s going to be able to doa nyting other than tell you what you should already know.  GET OFF THE TRAIN TRACKS.  “Uhm, hello, 911?  There’s a train coming and I’m just sitting here on the tracks.  What should I do?”

April Fool’s!
Approximately 500 grad school hopefuls got the letter of their dreams only to find out that it was just a cruel hoax.  Because of a clerical error, 489 acceptance letters went out to students who had applied to the Robert F. Wagner Graduate School of Public Service at New York University.  Getting into a grad school of that calibre is a great achievement, so imagine the disappointment you would feel when you realised it was just a mistake.  An hour after receiving the letters, the students got a notice stating that they had not been accepted to the school at all, in fact, they had been rejected.  And all of this actually happened on April Fool’s Day.  Hahah!  Sorry ’bout your luck.

That’s just wrong.  I guess it’s lucky that there were able to catch the mistake within the hour, and they didn’t wait months to tell them they hadn’t been accepted after all.  Can you imagine, you’re going around telling all your friends and family you’re going to NYU.  You get other letters, but you reject them because you’re going to NYU.  Then…oops, my bad!  We’re just kidding.  April Fool’s!  And people are wondering why there are so many shooting rampages these days.  You can’t play with people’s emotions like that.

Chew on This…or, Rather, Don’t!
Are you on a diet?  Trying to watch what you eat?  Well, here are something you shouldn’t eat if you’re trying to maintain your weight or your health, for that matter.  These fattening, greasy, gastronomical atrocities will surely land you in the morgue.  There aren’t any Sonics in Maryland, but if there were, don’t drink the Sonic Miniute Maid Cranberry Slush (my favourite).   A large one has 616 calories and 165 grams of sugar.  Do you like Burger King?  If you do, stay away from the Spicy Chicken Crisp Sandwich with its 450 calories and 30 grams of fat.  Don’t eat the Big Fish either:  640 calories!  You think your kids are safe?  Not with the BK kids meal double cheeseburger, kiddie fries and a kiddie Coke.  That crap has 950 calories and 42 grams of fat.  McDonald’s isn’t doing any better with that triple thick chocolate milkshake weighing in at 1160 calories, yes, I said one-thousand one-hundred sixty calories and 67 grams of fat.  Think you’ll just get a salad instead?  Not from Chik Fil-A with their chicken strip salad and buttermilk ranch dressing comes in at a whopping 800 calories and 60 grams of fat.  What about that supposedly health Market Fresh roast turkey and swiss sandwich from Arby’s?  Wrong answre!  I don’t know who calls 708 calories and 29 grams of fat healthy.  The worst thing of al:  Hardee’s Monster Thick Burger:  1420 calories and 108 grams of fat.  An abomination.

The surgeon general recommends 2000 calories a day for women with ACTIVE lifestyles.  Less calories if you’re sedentary, i.e., sitting at a desk all damn day long with minimal exercise (like me!).  We should not exceed 30 grams of fat either.  Some of these meals have enough fat to cover two and three days.  Just imagine if you had fast food all day long.  Stop at Jack’n’the Crack for a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.  740 calories and 55 grams of fat.  Salad for lunch:  800 calories.  for dinner, we’ll get that Big Fish, since fish is so healthy:  640 calories.  We need something to drink, that Sonice drink at 616 calories.  Since we skipped fries, we can have dessert at Dairy Queen, a large strawberry cheesecake blizzard with 990 calories and 39 grams of fat.  Our total is:  3786 calories and approximately 186 grams of fat.  Mmmm, so heart attack-y. 

Just to put it into perspective, the average 140 pound woman burns 1400 calories a day doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  Just laying on your ass and breathing burns 1400 calories a day.  Get up and go for a 30 minute casual walk and you only burn about 125 calories.  Your numbers will be a little higher if you are heavier in weight or un-athletic.  Your numbers will be a little lower if you are thinner and very active.  So if you think you can lay on your ass all day long, then get up and take a casual walk and still eat 4000 calories a day, you’re sadly mistaken.  The bottom line is that you are not burning the calories you think you are, and you’re eating WAY more than you realise.  That’s why you’re fat!  Have a nice day.

Thought of the Day:

History is the ship carrying living memories into the future.  ~Stephen Spender

This has been your daily news.


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