Misadventures of the Village Idiot #30

It was a pretty usual weekend as far as my weekends go.  Nothing can ever be sane for me, because… well, it just can’t.

Friday
I had some personal things to take care of, so I left work early, not like I wanted to be there in the first place, but some things just could not be helped.  After I took care of that, I went over to Mitko’s house to help him with his paper.  Poor thing, having to write a 5 page paper when you barely speak English….  His topic was breast implants.  He’s European, so what do you expect?  Afterwards, we watched What About Bob?  He likes 80s movies, for some strange reason.  He was going to come to Ascension with me, but he got tired and I went alone.

It was a great night for dancing with Liebchen and Neska spinning, but for whatever reason I wasn’t in the mood to dance.  Then I got dissed by a guy in a wheelchair.  If you’ve never seen my hot box before, I’ll describe it to you.  It’s a make up case that I got from Claire’s about 8 years ago, and I put stickers on it that I got from random places.  My grandmother was so annoyed by the thing that she made me put it int he trunk whenever we rode aroudn together.  One of the stickers is a big yellow happy face and the words “I hate you.”  I was sitting down and the wheelchair guy comes up to me and he was like, “Is that your purse?”  I was like, “Yeah…” Then he said, “I was going to ask you to dance, but I saw that, so never mind.”  And he left.

Gee, thanks.

Saturday
I did something totally out of the ordinary:  baby-sitting.  I used to be quite the child care provider back when I was a teenager, and after I discovered my abhorrence for ill-mannered children, I quit doing it and never looked back.  Whitaker moved into a new house and she needed someone to mind her children while she packed up, so I volunteered.  Not because I have some motherly urge but because I want to help a friend out. 

We spent most of the day laying in bed watching kiddie movies.  Cars, Madagascar, Bolt, Kung Fu Panda and the worst movie ever:  Underdog.  That shit was sooo boring but they were totally enthralled by it.  I’m like… you guys watch this?  I didn’t think it was going to hold their attention but they really got into it, and I was half-sleep. 

Kids are weird.  They are very smart and anybody who thinks kids are stupid because they are young… well, that’s a stupid assumption to make.  They understand a lot of things adults don’t give them credit for.  Christian and Corwin saw that I was half-sleep, and I think they were like, “Oh, you stupid adult, you don’t understand the movie.”  Then they started telling me the movie.  They are three years old, totally explaining the movie to me and I’m like, “How do you even know what is going on?”  I was like… yeah, okay.

I fixed them some lunch because Maquona had the nerve to bring over HOT DOGS… Grrr!!  And it’s Passover?  A sacrilege. 

But Christian proclaimed my cooking to be the grossest thing he ever ate.  “This is disgusting,” he said.  Damn.  Corwin liked it, so there.  They kept asking for pancakes, which I didn’t even think they would like because I don’t eat regular pancakes.  I eat high fiber enriched pancakes that pretty much taste like cardboard.  I didn’t give them any butter, and only a little bit of syrup because I didn’t want a bunch of crap all over the floor, but they killed it and then they were like, “Want some more pancakes.” 

Maquona, if they start shitting all over the place…. my bad.

After they left, I did some shopping and worked out a little bit then went to Midnight.  No–first, I went to my part-time job to drop off some paperwork, then I tried to go to Midnight but wound up getting lost in Anacostia because some jackass had an accident on 395 and it was closed.  I had to go around.  I do not know my way around DC at all well.  I was just driving and hoping that I would wind up some place that I know. 

As everyone knows, I do not do ‘hood.  The last time I got lost in DC, I was in some scary SE neighbourhood and I came across some man that had stolen a police cruiser.  I did eventually get to Midnight but I was later than usual in arriving.  I don’t like when things get off course. 

Okay, so Midnight…. Liebchen was spinning plus DJ whatever his name was from Dharmata 101 and Lord Licorice, or whatever. 

Liebchen as usual was excellent.  DJ Whatever Your Name Is From Dharmata 101…. you suck.  Sorry.  He killed the dance floor, and I wasn’t the only one who thought he was shitty.  I overheard comments from some people sitting next to me.  Clearly DJ Whatever HIs Name Was had on his On-the-Go playlist from his iPod of his favourite songs and wasn’t even thinking about what the crowd might want to hear.  The dancefloor was primarily empty during his set.  It was only until Liebchen did the “Welcome to Midnight” thing did he change up a little bit and got some people on the dance floor.

But he still sucked.

Lord Licorice was pretty good, though.  I have to say that I am disappointed to discover that he dresses in drag.  He probably isn’t gay–I don’t get that vibe from him, but still… there’s really something to be said about a man who comes to the club in faux leather leggings from Forever 21 and a cheap 1.99 wig.  I used to think he was so hot, albeit too short for my tastes, but attractive nonetheless.  I especially liked him when he had the mohawk and he would always come in with these hot ass chicks, except for the time he was going around with the girl who looks like Marie Antoinette after she suffered the guillotine.  Anyway, next time he wants to go drag, I’m going to loan him a pair of my Spanx.

I had the misfortune of having to sit near the Geek Squad, the motley crew of underage miscreants that specialise in making total asses of themselves.  Screaming, barking, rubbing each other genitals in public,  all things I don’t generally want to witness when I go out for the evening. 

There was a lame bunny contest in honour of Easter I found to be in poor taste, but I’m kind of used to these things now I’ve been a freak all these years.  Most freaks are athiest, Wiccan or subscribe to something other than the Abrahamic religions, so you just learn to shrug off anti-Semitism, vulgar Christian jokes and the “God is dead” rhetoric.  I have no idea what DJ Whatever His Name Was said about Jesus when Liebchen said, “Happy Easter,” but thanks for alienating the meagre minority. 

I wasn’t really offended because I know how to shrug things off, but I just felt like bitching about something because I can.  Anyway, the bunny contest consisted of several assholes poorly dressed as bunnies.  One guy looked more like a chupacabra than a damn bunny.  Another one of the contestants, Hot Guy from  Xuberx, wasn’t even dressed as a bunny but he managed to win 3rd place, over the girl who was wearing some kind of bloody sheet.  She looked more like Heath Ledger’s Joker than a bunny.  Maybe I didn’t just didn’t get her artistic muse.

I left later than usual.  I wanted to stay longer but I hate staying out so late and feeling it the next day. 

Sunday
I slept most of my life away, then went into my part-time job to make some money for Chicago.  Then I went to the Asian market.  I’m thinking about becoming a part-time vegetarian, so I bought some tofu.  My first tofu dish wasn’t bad.  Wasn’t good, but it was edible.  I know I could never completely give up meat, but I think I’m going to strive for 3 or 4 days a week meatless.  I like steaks and I like’em bloody.  I like fried chicken and I like lamb chops.  I won’t be giving that up any time soon, but if I want to be serious about my health and weight, I can compromise a little.  I haven’t eaten any meat in 3 days.  I think I’ll be okay.

I haven’t been eating any carbs either.  I am determined to be a skinny slut this summer.  Seriously.

Anyway, I am dreading going back to work tomorrow.  I remind myself of my end goal.  Nothing lasts forever, and if I just keep repeating that mantra, I might be able to make it.

Maybe.

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