If It Sounds Like a Duck
Totally random… but last night, I was power walking to the end of Star Wars Episode VI. After about an hour, I got off the treadmill and went into my room to find something to wear to midnight. I had left the movie playing even though it was about to be over. From the closet, I can hear the credits rolling, and I usually never watch the credits so I don’t really know what happens in a lot of movies when they are over.
The final scene in Episode VI is the celebration with the Ewoks after they destroyed the Death Star (if you have no idea what I’m talking about). They play the corny Ewok music and while I was trying to figure out which black skirt to wear I hear this noise that sounds like quacking. I perked up to listen and I heard it again. The quaking was kind of sporadic but it seemed to be keeping time with the music, so I thought it was part of the song, like it was the sound Ewoks make or something.
But after a minute, the credits finished and the DVD stopped playing so it was dead silent in the house and the quacking continued, only this time it sounded more like a strangled quack/yelp/bark. Hard to describe.
As you may or may not know I share a house with a married couple and their infant son. So I thought it was something going on upstairs that was quacking like that, but I remember they left earlier. They are almost never home. It’s like they come home, take showers and leave again. I have no idea what they do or where they be going because I don’t really talk to them that much.
I went into the hallway to the stairs that leads up to their part of the house and the quacking is mad loud. I don’t normally go into their part of the house even though they have invited me up many times. I just don’t want to feel intrusive, but I’m dying of curiosity… what the fuck is quacking.
I know they didn’t buy a duck. Who buys a duck? Yeah, it’s Easter and a lot of people have duck for Easter dinner, but they usually buy a dead duck that’s already been de-feathered. They don’t buy a live damn duck and then let the shit wander around the house until it’s time to kill it. Plus, my housemates are not Christian, so they wouldn’t be having an Easter dinner.
But the quacking is now more like a barking sound. And I realise that it’s a dog. Why do they have a dog? Seriously, these people are NEVER home. They leave for work shortly after I do, which is around 530 in the morning and they come home around 1030. On the weekend, they usually stay out the whole weekend, like overnight somewhere. So I’m like… why would they have a dog? Who is going to walk it? Feed it? Take care of it? I hope they don’t think I will. Since I’m home more than they are, I’m usually the one to sit and wait for the cable guy, the plumber, the roof guy… whatever. But I draw the line at taking care of a dog.
But the funny thing is, dogs have supersonic hearing and they are mad smart. After I figured out it was a dog and not a duck, I was like..oh, okay, and I started to walk away but the dog was like, “Bitch, I know you hear me!” He started bark-quacking like crazy. Dogs do not like to be ignored. I started laughing because he truly sounded like a duck. I wanted to open the door to see what kind of dog it was but I was scared to because I didn’t want it to run into my apartment and then I have to fight with the thing to get rid of him.
Then he started crying behind the door. I’m sorry, but I don’t do pets.
The Furniture Man
Everybody has seen those guys that stand on the corner with the furniture signs, going out of business. I hope everybody realises that those are shams, but that’s beside the point. They pay these guys a few bucks an hour to stand out there and flip a sign around to get you to stop over in their store to see their supposedly low-price crap.
I am coming home from the Chinese market and I pull up to the red light. Because it’s such a great day out, I have my windows down. There’s a man on the corner with the furniture sign, smoking a cigarette. I looked at him and he looked at me, and then the light turned green. Then he said, “Buy some furniture, bitch!”
Friday night I was in Wal-Mart picking up a few things. I was in the detergent aisle trying to get some more fabric softener when this youngish looking woman came down the aisle. She was probably mid to late 20s. Wal-Mart has seriously downsized the number of options in detergent you can buy. You used to be able to get anything, now it’s like they are sponsoring Tide. And this clearly made the woman upset. She was like, “Where is…. ” she started mumbling. “I don’t see… where the fuck…. ” She started pacing up and down the aisle real fast, swinging her cart around.
“I hate when they change stuff around,” she said. “They keep on changing and changing things. Getting me all mixed up. They don’t even have it. I’m out here trying to get this stuff and I know what I want and I know what I buy. Who do they think they are changing everything.” Then she totally went off. She went into this long ass diatribe about how Wal-Mart doesn’t understand her and they don’t have the right to change things around and they need to have more options available. But the crazy thing she wasn’t talking to anybody. There were two other people in the aisle, but she didn’t make eye contact, she was just talking really loudly about the injustice of it.
Then she picked up a bottle of detergent, put it in her cart and then she took it out and threw it on the floor and walked off. “I don’t even want this.”
This is the same Wal-Mart and the same aisle where I met the Chechen rebels. I’m not going to shop there anymore.