Fakeweddingguests.com

A few months ago when I was still doing my Daily News Reports, I came across an article about a company that provides fake wedding guests for people who need to beef up their numbers at a certain special occasion.

The company is based in Japan where the wedding is considered a social event of the year.  It’s bigger than the American wedding, where more and more people are opting for small weddings or just plain out eloping.  Going to the court house is a thing unheard of in Japan.  If you do something like that, people will ostracise you.  It’s common to invite everybody you can possibly think of, including the boss you hate, the co-workers you don’t know, all of the neighbours, the kid that bags your groceries and the garbage man, as well as friends and super-extended family, like all the cousins twice removed.

Just like the rest of the world, Japan is becoming Americanised, people are spending too much time on the internet and their social world is shrinking, but the importance of the wedding has not waned in significance.  So what do these people do who don’t really know anybody?  They go to this company that provides fake wedding guests, so you can have the thousand person minimum at your reception.

Totally lame, of course.  One guy admitted that his best man and his entire “family” were all hired by this company because this was his second marriage and he didn’t want anybody making comparisons between the old wife and his new bride.

So, I’m thinking about hiring some fake wedding guests.  I’m not getting married, but I need some new friends.  As we grow older our social sphere shrinks.  We’re not in school so that’s a significant loss.  At work, our co-workers represent a wide swath of people, either too old or too young, too this or too that.  They may or may not have anything in common with us.  So where else do you meet people?  Yeah, church… okay, sure.  The laundromat?  At the club?  These days you got to be careful who you randomly pick up off the street.

That’s why I’m hiring some friends.  I think two or three fake friends will do.  I need a friend to go out with.  I need a friend to travel with.  I also need someone to work out with.  To save money, it would be nice if I can hire a friend who does all three, but I think that might be a stretch.

Right now, all of my friends are so busy they can never go anywhere.  When they are finally calmed down from their hectic schedules, they are always broke.  So that leaves out travelling which is an expensive hobby, but my thing is, even if you’re a waiter, you can still do things.  It’s just about money planning.  When I was making $6.15 an hour at the Hilton, I still managed to take an extended tour of Florida, staying in cheap crappy ass hotels and eating off the dollar menu at McDonald’s.  Yeah, gas was like thirty-eight cents a gallon, but everything is relative. 

Nothing is worse than showing up to a party by yourself.  Or wanting to go to the movies and you call your best girlfriend and tell her TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE and she’s already busy.  Vacationing by yourself also sucks.  Talking about going on a vacation with your girlfriend is equally lame. 

“Yeah, girl, I want to go on a cruise.”

“Yeah, I’ve never been on one either.  We should try to plan for one next year.”

“You know I ain’t got not money.”

Nobody has money for anything.  Nobody will ever have money for anything because every year shit gets more expensive, paychecks get smaller, but if you put a little bit away, a little bit away, one day you have enough money.  That’s how life is.  If you wait until you hit it big, you’ll be 88 and die the next day.

“Well, I’m still not sure… I don’t know…”

You don’t know about NEXT YEAR?!?!  It’s not like I called you up right now and said, “Let’s go, the cruise leaves in half an hour.”  That would be ridiculous.  So don’t even talk about something you have no intention of doing.

Since I am a now a workout queen, it would be lovely to workout with somebody.  Not someone who shows up to the gym in a glittery sweatsuit, jogs for 42 seconds, lifts a two-pound free weight and calls it a day. 

Things changes about us every year.  We get smarter, we get dumber, we get whatever-er.  Sometimes our friends do not adjust accordingly.

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy that I would actually hire some friends, and really I am only half-joking.  They would be fake friends of course, but I don’t see what the difference is.  If your friends are too busy, too cheap, too broke, too whatever to do what you want to do, and you never spend any time with them anymore, how are they still friends?  Sure, you might chat on the phone every  now and again, meet up for coffee, but then it’s only to vent to each other about whatever is bugging us and then we talk about the things going on in our lives–seperately, then we leave and go back to our personal world and never the twain shall meet.  That’s just as bad as having a fake wedding guest.

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