Bag Boy, You Gonna Miss Your Bus

Erykah Badu warned us women about carrying around too much baggage. When dudes see us coming dragging all these bags they take off running from us because they don’t want to deal with the crap that comes along with it: the nagging, the tears, the accusations, the emotional roller coaster that would drive even the holiest of saints to drink.

So why is it different for women? Dudes have baggage too. If they run from us, we should run from them too. Face it: how many times have we heard stories about, or been involved with, men who constantly compare us to a previous girlfriend? Whether the ex was a good girlfriend or a girlfriend from hell, it doesn’t really matter. Nobody wants to be likened to the ex-chick, because after all, she was an ex-chick for a reason.

Men carry different baggage than women do, but it’s still baggage. Let’s examine the baggage that men carry.
He Who Was Dumped
This is the guy who was madly in love with his girlfriend, but for some reason, and it doesn’t matter why, he was dumped by this chick. He is also the guy who didn’t really love the girlfriend, but when she gave him the axe, he got pissed because he wasn’t able to do it first. He can’t stop thinking about her, even though she has moved on. He sees her frequently with her new boyfriend and he still brings her up every five seconds. He knows it’s a no-no to talk about ex-chick, but he keeps letting it slip, and it’s always the most casual of mistakes. He even still has shit of hers around his house. Who’s bathrobe? The ex-chick. Why is her toothbrush still in the bathroom? Just in case someone might need it. His excuses don’t even make sense. He also MySpace/Facebook stalks her, just to see what she is doing. Every now and again, he sends her a “casual” text message, but really it’s just to see what’s going on in her life. He’s hoping that she’s thinking about him just as much as he’s thinking about her. New girlfriend will always feel like she’s being compared to old girlfriend because dude cannot get her out of his mind. Why did she leave me?
He Who Was Cheated On
The baggage these guys carry could bail out the airlines. Let’s slap on some excess baggage fees because these guys will never let it go. New girlfriend could be a virgin from an obscure convent in Romania and he will still think she is going to cheat on him. He checks her phone. He follows up on her. He is suspicious of the 49 year old man with a peg leg who comes by to delouse the dog. He says he trusts you, but he can’t ever forget how he felt when he realised Old Girlfriend cheated on him. To keep from feeling like that again, he figures that he will be on his guard, suspecting everything and trusting no one. There’s always the underlying urge to exact revenge even though current girlfriend is pure as freshly driven Wisconsin snow.
He Who Has a Baby Mama
This guy is just as bad as He Who Was Cheated On. Not only do you have to deal with the emotional turmoil of the baby daddy, but the baby mama is now apart of your extended family as well. Just imagine, cuddling up in bed, trying to watch a little TV and the mood is just right, suddenly RING RING, baby mama is on the line, but she’s not just calling to check on Junior, she’s pissy hot mad and she wants to know why he did this and why he did that, and why can’t he come get the kids when he said he would, and I need a few dollars for this and you don’t take care of your kids. Suddenly, that calm mood is now destroyed. Even when he hangs up on the tramp, there is a dark rain cloud hanging over the bedroom and you and your man know it’s about to storm. There’s nothing wrong in dating a man who has a kid, but pray his baby mama lives on the moon and won’t come around often. If you stick it through, you, him and her are in it for the long haul.
He Who Has a Swimfan/Crazy Ex-Girlfriend/Suicidal Ex-Wife
Remember that movie with the crazy chick? “I know you love me, I know it!” and then she tried to drown herself in the pool? Yeah….Your new boyfriend is hot and all the women want him, but he chose you much to the chagrin of all the other skanky hoodrats that got left behind.   Now there’s some chick that just won’t quit. “I know he loves me and we’re gonna be together (again)!”  Every where you go is like a reality show from hell:  screaming and carrying on in public, late night phone calls full of hysterics, burning crosses on the front lawn.  She is a piece of crap floating in your lemonade, souring everything you and your man do. He thinks it’s not a big deal.  He says, “Baby, I can handle.”  You want to give him that ultimatum:  it’s either me or her. The real truth? It’s probably both, but you don’t know it yet.  How do you think his last relationship ended? 
There are others, but these are the most important and the ones you definitely want to run from. You may also consider avoiding He Who Has Low Self-Esteem, He Who is Overly Sensitive, and He Who is Constantly Shit-Faced. The truth is, unless he seeks therapy, there is nothing you can do to part men from their baggage, you know why? Men are hard-headed, that’s why. Men don’t want to admit there’s a problem. We women are different. We know there’s a problem, but it takes us getting slapped in the face a hundred times before we decide to do anything. Men get kicked in the balls, stabbed, molly-hopped, gang-raped and bludgeoned to death and still refuse to accept the fact they have baggage. He will never forget his first love. He will always be confused as to why he got dumped first. He will never forget how it felt to be cheated on. The baby mama will never go away and there’s always a crazy chick waiting in the wings.
There are only a few options in situations like these. Deal with it and be prepared for drama on the scale of Jerry Springer, or take off running. You can’t afford those excess baggage charges in today’s economy.


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