With Friends Like These…

I just finished reading the latest article in The Frisky.  It’s this column I like to look at on CNN.com.  Women’s stuff, usually talks about girlfriend problems, boyfriend problems, what to wear to parties and other beauty salon style conversations.  Today’s article is about the five friends you don’t need in your life.

I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine on the subject of friends.  I told her I read a study that we tend to recycle our friends every seven years or so, not on purpose, but because life sometimes gets in the way and the friends you have become irrelavant for so many different reasons.  This doesn’t mean that you don’t have friends you’ve been with since childhood, but that outer circle, as I’ll call it, tends to rotate often.

I definitely agree.  So this author lists five friends a woman, or actually anybody, doesn’t need in their life.

1.  The Drama Queen– Every five minutes there’s a crisis.  The centre of attention must be on her or she feels unloved.  Her whole life plays out like she’s a permanent cast member of The Young and the Restless.

2.  Nurse Betty– She’s the one that wants to be there for every crisis in your life but as soon as you get your life together, she’s not interested.  She’s more interested in keeping you down to make herself feel important.

3.  Lady-Hater– These are the girls are always like, “Yeah, my closest friends are guys.”  They usually say it’s because other women are jealous of them, or because other women don’t make very good friends.  The truth is, these women are jealous of everybody else.  They prefer to hang out with men because they hope these men will follow their every bidding like a lap dog, something a sensible woman won’t do.

4.  The Critic– Everything you do sucks because she said so.  You can never do anything right and she’s your friend because she let’s you know it.

5.  The Leg Humper– This is the chick who ditches you five minutes after getting to a party because she is trying to be up in some dude’s face.  You also have to watch her around your boyfriend/husband.

I agree with all these crappy ass friend types.  Every where you go you run into a chick like this and at first you think you can make the friendship work because there are some redeeming qualities about them, but they never seem to last as BFF material.  In the end, you always have to cut them loose.

So at the end of each Frisky article, there’s always room for commentary.  Lots of people always have shit to say about the article of the day.  Usually the comments are hilarious, and always an argument breaks out because some people don’t agree with the author or they don’t agree with each other and then it results into e-Hating and that’s always amusing.

In one of the comments, someone mentioned the author forgot a very important type of friend we don’t need:

The Flake.

The flake is the chick who always has an excuse for everything about why she can never do something with you or hang out with you.  The flake also ditches you for something she considers more amusing or entertaining, but then when she doesn’t have something better to do she comes running back as if you two were such great friends all along.  This is the friend you happen to run into after they don’t return your calls/emails and then suddenly act like you guys just saw each other yesterday.

When I read that comment, I busted out laughing because I have a flake in my life.  Well, I did have a flake in my life because I never hang on to trash for long.

Flakes come in all shapes and sizes.  The Classic Flake is the chick who gets a new boyfriend and suddenly her girlfriends aren’t as interesting because we don’t have penises.  It’s always very exciting to get a new man in your life; it doesn’t happen often so it must be treated with due diligence, but your girlfriends are always the ones who will pick up the phone at 4 in the morning after your new man suddenly becomes “I’m so tired of this shit.”  We’re also the ones who should become your bridesmaids if your new man does turn out to be The One after all.

I never understood why so many women do this.  Like you’ve never had any dick in your whole life and you don’t know how to act once you get some.  Perhaps I’ve been guilty of this myself; I don’t know since I’ve never been called out on it before.  Sometimes we’re not aware of how we’re treating others because we’re blind to our own faults and our friends don’t take the time to give us a reality check.

I have an ex-friend who found a new man and suddenly had no time for the people in her life.  She was already showing signs of Flakiness because she was quick to make plans with everyone and then suddenly come up with super extra lame excuses as to why she couldn’t hang out.  It got so tiring because she used the same TWO excuses over and over again.  Her kids and her sorry ass baby daddy.

Like she’s the only single parent in the world.  Like she’s the only woman who has issues with her children’s father.

I particularly hate these excuses because women with these problems make it seem like women without these problems are so stupid that we can’t understand how difficult it is.  The “you won’t know until you have kids of your own” statement is quite lame.  I do have eyes and I do have ears.  After listening to single parents around the world bitch about their problems, how could I not know how difficult your life can be without proper support?

I just think this, and other classic excuses, are crutches people use for the failures in their lives.  And she uses these FAITHFULLY and I don’t think she’s quite aware of how tired everybody around her is of hearing this.  So, you got knocked up very young because you’re a fool and you believe everything you hear.  Yes, we know it was hard because you were alone and you had family things going on.  Yes, we know.  WE KNOW ALREADY.  I know her life story like I was there because every time something happens, these two things are what she falls back on.  Her car broke down because she had two kids.  It’s snowing because she has two kids.

I will never take away from the struggles of single women, or single fathers for that matter, because anybody with eyeballs can see that raising kids alone is a nightmare.  But at the same time, it is what it is.  You either sink or swim.  The kids are not going away.  Your baby daddy is not going to become Father of the Year.  It’s time to buck up or shut up and stop always crying about this, that and the other.

It was like pulling teeth trying to hang out with her and in the end I wondered why I was trying so hard.  It’s not like I’m completely insensitive to the rigours of single parenthood, but maybe I really am being selfish and rude when I ask my friend to have dinner THREE MONTHS IN ADVANCE, plenty of time for her to find a baby-sitter or wrestle with her kids’ father.  I know that single mothers cannot go to the club every Friday like I can.  I know they don’t get to enjoy happy hour five days a week.  I know that a luxury vacation to Hawaii is probably not in the cards.  It can be difficult even going window shopping if the kids are more interesting in blowing spit bubbles.  I know these things.  I was never dumb enough to ask her to party on a Thursday night knowing that she has to get up with the children in the morning and get them to daycare.

Having dinner once every month, and yes, it can be McDonald’s.  Going to the movies every now and again.  Window shopping.  Hell, even fucking grocery shopping, something that’s a necessity, especially for a woman with kids, would have been an activity.  I don’t think these things are unreasonable or over the top.  I think for me the last straw was when I tried to plan a small INEXPENSIVE trip for us.  I even took the trouble of trying to figure out which weekend was hers and which weekend was the sorry ass baby daddy’s, and co-ordinate it with the rest of our friends.  SEVEN MONTHS IN ADVANCE, I proposed this trip.  Oh yeah, sure, sounds great, count me in!  Two months later, uhm… yeah, I forgot I had to do this and then you know, because then the next weekend, you know he not gonna want to get the kids because he had them two weekends in a row.


And this is the same friend who got a boyfriend and it was AMAZING how she was able to make time for him.  Suddenly, she could run down the coast every five minutes to go jump on his penis.  I’m sure it was because he has kids too, or at least that’s how she always made it out to be.  We took our kids to the park.  Yeah, that lasts about an hour and what’d you do the rest of time?  Each time she had a “legitimate” reason for going down to see him.  Something about her car.  The tags.  The sun.  The moon.  Whatever.  It was always something and it was astonishing how she always managed to link this cross country booty call with something business related she needed to take care of.

I’m not unhappy for her for finding a new love interest because she’d been wasting her time with a bunch of shitbags before that, but it was kind of a slap in the face how she could make time for him but not for her friends.  Maybe she really couldn’t do much because of the situation with her kids, but hanging out over someone’s house doesn’t require a babysitter.  Neither does a dozen and one other activities.  It’s not like I wanted to go to the bar every five minutes.

Since we never really did anything with each other, our phone conversations got kind of lame because we didn’t have any new material.  Gets old bitching about work and co-workers we hate.  I don’t want my life to be reduced to “Yeah, I have to get an oil change,” and “So I went to the dentist today.”  And then it would be kind of rude for me to go on and on about the stuff I’ve been doing without her.  Who wants to sit on the phone with someone who’se like, “Yeah, and then we all got free tickets to see Kanye West and it was so cool, you should have been there.  Sucks that you couldn’t find a sitter.”  I would hang up on me too.  That’s why you want to do things WITH your friends, so you can talk about it TOGETHER.

Spending time with friends helps break the monotony of day to day life.  We all have to work.  We all have to take care of our families.  We all have responsibilities.  We can’t get away from those things unless we’re total shit bags.  That’s where your friends come in.  Hang out, have a drink, watch a game, go shopping, get your hair done, anything.

But every time you make plans with someone and they constantly cancel or they just make up some stupid excuse before you can even begin planning, after awhile, you just move on to someone who seems like they have the time.

But at any rate, I think I wouldn’t be so annoyed if she didn’t try to fake the funk. I was the dumbass because I should have realised that she makes excuses for almost everything in her life.  I do not know what made me think I was so special that I wouldn’t get treated the same way.  I think that’s why I’m mad because I realised my own culpability.  I should have seen it coming.

We barely speak to each other anymore and when we do the conversation is dull.  I get dialogue on her trips to the gas station and the size of the candy display at Wal-Mart.  She seems completely uninterested in anything in my life.  She never used to ask anyway, so that’s no real surprise.  Every now and again we see each other because of our jobs but soon even that will end.  It is likely that I will not ever see her again after a few months.

After all, flakes don’t last forever.  They  usually disintegrate on contact.


3 responses to “With Friends Like These…

  1. You are THE MOST articulate person i know..(i almost said your real name). I admire the fact that you can express how you feel about a situation and still do it professionally. This was a FREAKING long post…but i sat and read the entire thing while smiling at work. I definitely agree with almost everything you said. and i kinda think i know who you’re talking about. I would make plans with this same person so that our kids could play together and she had excuses for that…but when i got free tickets for my son to go to disney on ice she was on my penis like Monica Lewinsky..sad. I have always told everyone..HELL YEA parenting is hard, but it shows your true maturity. If you wanna bitch and cry about every event and blame it on ur kids..your gonna continue to be stuck…and the kids will resent your bitter ass. lol. BUT, not everyone has the ability to acknowledge their faults while in a situation. But i look forward to hearing you share some wisdom in november!
    – WADE (female type) lol

    • Waaaaaaders! Thanks for reading. I was having a meltdown when I wrote this and it was directly after our “October Meetup.” I usually write the worst things when I’m overly emotional.

      Oh well. WHERE’S YOUR BLOG! I want to read too!

      • blackgirlfromouterspace.wordpress.com

        i have alot of drafts that i need to publish…but add me to your blog list and wait for iiiittt…wait for iiiitt…lol.

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