So in my quest to lose these last ten pounds, these stubborn ten pounds, I have decided that I would like to become a personal trainer. Of course, a fat personal trainer wouldn’t hold much credence, so I’m going to have to really work to get these ten pounds off so I can become skinny. People only listen to skinny people. Skinny people listen to other skinny people because they are the same. Fat people listen to skinny people because they want to be skinny too. Being skinny means you’re smarter.
I think I came to this conclusion because I’m in the gym and I see people struggling to reach their goals. I see severely overweight people lifting 5 pound weights very slowly, oh so slowly, while munching on a 300 calories Power Bar, and I see them for a few days and after that I never see them again. Sure, they could have changed their workout routine, but ALL of them? Unlikely. There are others I see regularly: Mr. Sweat-a-Lot on the bench press, Grey Hooded Guy on the elliptical machine, Skinny Housewife on the elliptical machine in the women’s room, and Desperately Skinny Housewife on the weights. There are a few fatty cakes I see randomly, but I do notice that most of the fatty cakes don’t come back.
It’s because they are in there without a clue as to what they are doing and when they don’t lose a pound after 10 days of “rigorous workout” they give up. Personal trainers are so damn expensive. I really want one but I can’t afford $75 for two sessions ten minute sessions every week. Neither can a lot of people. I would be reasonable because it would be a part-time job for me. My life would not depend on overcharging desperate people trying to make a change in their lives. Helping people lose weight should have minimal costs because thin, skinny people contribute better to society.
One, they look better, providing some lucky man or woman the opportunity to find a date, and dates are always important, especially in this economy. Two, they work more because they aren’t all fat and unhealthy. Three, they are natural motivators. When us fatty cakes see a thin, beautiful person walk past it makes us work all that much harder. Skinny people are better for the economy. Since everything in the world is made for skinny people, they can buy it and skinny people make more money so they can afford all the stuff out there for them. Lastly, skinny people are better for the environment. Since they take up less space and breathe less than fat people, they leave plenty of oxygen for the ozone layer and leave a smaller carbon footprint. So, see, thin, skinny people are just better all around.
I was lucky enough to have Mitko all to myself through the initial part of my quest for thinness. Now I’m in that crucial part, the fork in the road where I can either continue on to all the glamour and fame associated with being skinny, or I could return to the dark side of fatty cakes. Ten more pounds to meet my goal, but these last ten pounds are the worst.
I’ve been 143 pounds for two months. All the weight loss and exercise guides say I’m doing something wrong, but you know what, they’re wrong! All these fancy Ph.D. people and exercise gurus have got it all mixed up. Because there is no way that I’m over here working out like a nuclear reactor core and eating 200 calories a day and I’m not losing weight. This is why I need to become a personal trainer, to reveal the truth to other fatty cakes. Somebody needs to show us how to get over that last hump and how to keep it off for good.
There’s lots of stuff for people who are super fat and there’s lots of stuff for skinny people who just need to tone up, but there’s nothing for that person who has had a long hard struggle and they just have a little bit more to go. They tell you shit like change up your diet, change up your workout routine, blah blah blah and when none of that stuff works, they fall silent.
Short of taking a steak knife to my own belly and carving this extra fat off, I have no idea what else to do. Until then, I’m going to have to wait on the whole personal trainer thing.
This is just one more thing put on hold until I get skinny. Because nothing good happens to you until you’re skinny.