Daily News October 26

Today is October 26.  It is the 299th day of the year with 66 to go.

Today’s History

In 1825, the Erie Canal opened in New York connecting Lake Erie and the Hudson River.
In 1881, the infamous gunfight at the OK Corrall took place.
In 2001, President Bush signed into act the Patriot Act.

Today’s News

Wakey, Wakey!
A Nevada couple was rudely awakened at 4am when a drunk driver decided to purposely drive a vehicle through their home and into their bedroom.  The drunk driver stole the car with the hopes of catching his girlfriend and her lover.  He then planned to ram the car into the girlfriend’s house, however, he got the wrong address and drove through someone else’s house instead.  He barrelled the car into the couple’s bedroom, trapping them underneath the car.  They were trapped for almost 45 minutes while hot car liquids spilled onto them.  The couple thought they were going to die as rescue workers tried to lift the car from the bed.  They had to be extra careful because one minor slip and the car would crush them.  Luckily, they were able to remove the car and the couple is perfectly safe.  Their burns from the oil and other liquids were minor.  They did not break any bones or suffer any other injuries.  The drunk driver, of course, is in jail.  In a completely seperate incident, two Wisconsin men are recovering from shock after their own car mowed them down as they were playing pool inside a bar.  Another random drunk driver was trying to get to the bar when he smashed into the back of their car which then crashed into the bar and struck them.  This driver is also in jail.

Okay, I think we need to lay off the liquor for a little while.  In the first incident, this man was actually trying to kill somebody.  He was looking for his girlfriend and her lover, and he wanted to run them over in her house but the drunk fool got the address wrong and ran over somebody else instead.  In the second case, this man was already drunk, trying to get to a bar.  Already drunk… trying to get to a bar.  I think we need a double dose of AA and some jail time to clear this up because this is getting out of control.

Three Minutes Is All You Need
Venezuelan tyrant–I mean, president has issued a decree that his subjects should stop singing in the shower.  People are spending too much time in the shower and wasting water.  The country is dangerously low on water and electricity supply, so Hugo Chavez has asked that everybody do their part by spending three minutes or less in the shower.  He said he has done this himself and he doesn’t stink, so nobody should have a problem.  Venezuela is having water difficulties because of the El Niño effect on the rain cycle in the country.  He also said “these are not Jacuzzi times,” meaning, people want to get in the tub or their Jacuzzis and lounge for a little while.  Get in there, wash your butt and get out, or he will have you arrested and executed.

So in addition to being completely impoverished and starving, he now wants you to shower less.  Venezuela will go the way of India sooner or later and just stave off deodorant entirely, just to save energy.

Police are searching for an Iowa man who is apparently on a zombie hunt.  Another man was in a fast food restaurant ordering something to eat when the first man came up and shouted, “Zombie!” and then punched him in the face.  When the victim tried to call 911, the man shouted, “Zombie!” again and punched him once more, breaking his nose.  He then ran away.

The police are looking for this guy, but he may have been on to something.  What if that guy really was a zombie?  What then?  They took him to the hospital, treated him and let him go.  Now there’s a zombie on the loose in Iowa, but police are focusing on the guy that punched him.  Go figure.

No Way, Jose
A lawsuit is being brought against a New Mexico man trying to turn a failing hotel around.  The man bought the hotel earlier this year and told the current employees that a lot of changes were going to be taking place if they wanted the hotel to succeed.  He first told the employees that speaking Spanish around him was not allowed.  As we all know, New Mexico has a very large Spanish speaking population and the employee population of the hotel is largely Spanish.  The man said he didn’t want them speaking Spanish because he felt they were talking about him.  He also told the employees that they would have to make their names sound white.  So instead of Marcos, you would have to be Mark.  Instead of Jose, you got to be Joe.  He fired several Hispanic workers claiming that they called him a white nigger.  He said these employees were insubordinate and did not want to follow the new rules.  The employees say he is a racist.  In his own defence, the man claimed that when people from all around America come to visit they don’t want to be confused by Spanish sounding names and accents they can’t understand. 

I know it’s just wrong, but I think this is hilarious.  No, I wouldn’t want to change my name because somebody can’t pronounce it, and I wouldn’t appreciate being told that nobody wanted to be confused by my “accent.”  I think a Michigander accent is just as confusing as a Spanish accent.  Have you ever heard the Dutch Americans speak?  I go to this Amish market on Fridays and it takes me about 10 minutes to figure out the girl is asking me if I want chipped or sliced beef.  At any rate, I think it’s funny because it’s just so ridiculous.  First of all, white nigger?  Really?  But you want to sue him on discrimination.  Aren’t you being as hateful and racist as he is?  I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask people not to speak their second language in front of people who can’t understand it.  You do get the feeling like someone is talking about you, and they probably were since this guy sounds like a total asshole.  But nothing is worse than showing up somewhere and everybody is gabbing off in their native tongues.  When I go to the nail shop and all the women are cackling in Vietnamese or Korean, I feel a little unnerved.  Even though the United States does not have an official language (no, we really don’t, so you can’t go around saying that people need to learn English because it isn’t an official language), our business is conducted in English.  If you alienate people, then this is what happens:  lawsuits, which of course, are completely American, so this guy shouldn’t feel like he failed.  His employees have grasped the concept of Americanism.

Today’s Thought

Youth is a blunder.  Manhood a struggle; old age a regret.  ~Benjamin Disraeli


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