Daily News November 18

Today is Wednesday, November 18, 2009.  It is the 322nd day of the year with 43 to go.

Today’s History

In 1883, the U.S. and Canada adopted a system of standard time zones.
In 1886, the 21st president of the United States, Chester A. Arthur died in New York.
In 1959, Ben-Hur the Biblical-era epic opened in New York.

Today’s News

Ninja Not
A Seattle man is in hospital with severe injuries after he impaled himself on a metal fence while pretending to be a ninja.  The man dressed as a ninja with the express intent of trying to rob and assault people.  Police say he was attempting to assault a woman who ran away from him.  He chased after her and tried to leap over a 5 foot metal fence, but failed to clear it properly.  He impaled himself one of the fence posts.  Police believe he may have been intoxicated at the time.

Uhm… I’m laughing so hard I’m not even sure what to say to this.  You’re pretending to be a ninja and you try to rob someone while pretending to be a ninja.  Then you jump over a fence, try to jump over a fence while pretending to be a ninja and you impale yourself…while pretending to be a ninja.  I need to understand why you are pretending to be a ninja in the first place.  The article describes the man didn’t climb up the fence and try to jump over, no, he tried to LEAP over the fence…a five foot metal fence with sharp spiky posts…while pretending to be a ninja.

Bungled Burglary
Portuguese police had to rescue a man who attempted to rob a grocery store because he got stuck in the window.  The man busted out the window and tried to crawl through but it was too small.  He even tried to take his pants off to make a little more room, but he just got even more trapped.  There was nothing for him to grab hold of so he could pull himself, so he was trapped in the window for 11 hours with his pants around his ankles.  Nobody even noticed him until the morning shift showed up the next day and saw him hanging in the window.  Then it took 2 hours for the fire department to break him out.  They took him to the hospital for his injuries, and then they took him to jail.

Well, at least he didn’t impale himself while pretending to be a ninja, but this is just as bad.  I know we’re all a little bit desperate because it’s a horrible economy and the holidays are coming soon.  We’re just trying to get by, but you know, if you’re going to lead a life of crime, you should be a little bit smarter about it.  I know my fat ass is not fitting through any windows any time soon, so I would try a different method of break-in.  You think!

Kannibal Kabob
Three Russian men are under arrest on suspicion of murder after police found dismembered body parts at a bus stop.  Police say the three men, who are homeless, attacked another homeless man, murdered him, and then ate him before selling the extra body parts to a kabob stand.  The men are charged with “setting upon a foe with knives and a hammer before chopping up his corpse to eat.”

So Russia is no longer on my Top Ten Places to Visit.  First, I’m disturbed that the Russians have an actual charge for this sort of thing.  “Setting upon a foe with knives and hammer before chopping up his corpse to eat,” indicating that this sort of thing might happen all the time.  In America, we just have murder, attempted murder, cannibalism, not an actual title but you know they do things differently in other countries.  Secondly, I’m disturbed that they don’t exactly say what happened with the kabob stand.  Did the body parts make it into a kabob?  Did someone buy a human meat stick and eat it?  I need to know.  It was like the only crime was “setting upon a foe with knives and a hammer before chopping up his corpse to eat,” but nothing is wrong in buying human body parts, or using body parts to make kabobs and meats.  Once again, foreign countries.  Yeah.

Drug Dealer Daddy
A Salt Like City mother is under arrest after it was reported that she gave her 9 month old child to a drug dealer.  The mother claims that she did not give her child to the drug dealer as payment for drugs, but so that the drug dealer could actually take care of the baby.  Someone reported the baby being in a local crackhouse and when police raided the place, they did find a 9 month old child there.  The mother is a meth fiend and she gave the drug dealer the baby’s Medicaid card and a note stating that the drug dealer would have guardianship.  Police say the bizarre thing was that the house was completely filthy but the baby was clean, healthy, taken care of and not injured in anyway.  The child is now in child protective custody.

Well, that’s pretty random.  Hmm, why don’t I let my local crack dealer take care of the kid while I’m gone this weekend, because that seems like a reasonable thing someone should do.  Now, I know when you’re a meth fiend you don’t usually make the brightest decisions, but I can’t imagine even the most doped up lunatic would think a crackhouse is a daycare center.  I guess it truly is bizarre that the dealer was seriously taking good care of the child.  I guess he was standing on the corner with the kid in a baby sling while he sold dime bags.  Take your child to work day.

Today’s Thought

If an historian were to relate truthfully all the crimes, weaknesses and disorders of mankind, his readers would take his work for satire rather than history.  ~Pierre Bayle


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