Daily News November 19

Today is Thursday, November 19, 2009.  It is the 323rd day of the year with 42 to go.

Today’s History

In 1831, the 20th president of the United States, James Garfield was born in Ohio.
In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address.

Today’s News

Hit Man High School
A Georgia high school teacher is under arrest after he allegedly ordered a hit on one of his students.  According to police, the incident began between the student and teacher when they got into a verbal altercation.  The teacher asked the student to step outside the classroom for a moment, and then he asked the student if he was gay.  When the student told him it was none of his business, the teacher said he would “hit him in his ‘effin mouth.”  The student reported the incident to the school but nothing happened.  A few days later, the teacher told another student that he would pay him to kill the boy.  That student told the boy what the teacher had said and he filed a police report.  The teacher was removed from the school after the police report was filed.  A school spokesperson said the story is “bunk.” 

As if parents don’t have enough to worry about: school bullies, school shootings and school lunches, now you have to be concerned if the teacher is going to hire a hit man on your child.  This is kind of crazy to me.  It makes hearing about a school shooting almost normal.  I thought they rigourously screen teachers?  Apparently not.  You can just tell what kind of scummy, hood school they go to.  The school spokesperson said the story was “bunk.”  Oh, yeah, real professional. 

Leggo My Eggo
Kellogg Company wants you to know that there might be a shortage of Eggo waffles beginning next month because of some problems at two of its facilities.  One plant had to be shut down because of a storm that dumped unprecedented amounts of rain.  Another plant had to be shut down indefinitely for repairs.  It may be mid-2010 before we can get our Eggos back.  A stay-at-home mom from PA says she usually buys the boxes by the dozens and is thinking about putting a few of them on Ebay to make some extra cash.  A short supply of Eggo waffles at local grocery stores has even started a Twitter trend.  Eggo has a Facebook fan page and they are already starting to complain that they can’t get their Eggos.

Seriously?  I mean, seriously.  All of this over some cardboard frozen waffles?  Okay, actually, I do occasionally buy Eggo waffles, although I prefer to make my own.  It is kind of easy to pop two in the toaster and slather some butter on it (you know I love butter) and some real Vermont maple syrup to make the things taste better.  You know, matter of fact, I think I might have to log off for a minute and go up the street to see if I can still get some.  Hey, leggo my eggo!

The Geezer Bandit
Authorities in San Diego are looking for an elderly, thin grey-haired man known as the Geezer Bandit because he is responsible for holding up five banks since the summer.  The man appears to be in his seventies, according to reports.  He recently robbed a Bank of America by holding a teller at gunpoint.  He demanded cash and then took off on foot.  There is a $16,000 award if you turn gramps in.

It’s a rough world out there.  Granddaddy’s social security checks ain’t enough to keep him in his dentures so he got to get out there and make that cash anyway he know how.  I’m actually laughing because Grandpa has been able to rob five different banks so far.  He must be doing something right, or maybe nobody thinks a sweet old man is going to do anything.  He got that cash!  Hahaha.

Just Like a Man
An elderly Australian man drove 400 miles to fetch a newspaper but only because he got lost.  He intended to go up the street to get a paper but took a wrong turn onto a major Australian highway.  He drove nine hours before he stopped to get directions.  After finding a cop at a gas station, the old man gave the cop his cell phone and asked him to call his wife.  He was reunited with his family yesterday.  He told reporters that he just wanted to go on a nice drive and that he didn’t need a GPS because he has only been lost once.

So typical.  You don’t need a GPS because you’ve only been lost once, but look how lost you got.  Four-hundred miles and nine hours later, you are all the way on the other side of the planet and you don’t need a GPS.  If I were your wife, I would have told the cop to let you stay out there and figure out how to get home on your own.

Foreign Swine Flu Vaccinations
You know you should not purchase medications from foreign countries because you never know what they put in that stuff.  You know they don’t have regulations like we have in the U.S.  Here’s a good example why:  Moldova (an obscure country in Eastern Europe) has decided that in order to combat swine flu the army would issue its soldiers extra rations of onions and garlic.  The soldiers will receive approximately .9 ounces of onions and .5 ounces of garlic which amounts to a small onion and several cloves of garlic.  In Moldova, onions and garlic are believed to boost the immune system.  Twenty-four soldiers became ill with swine flu and that is the reason why the onion intake has been increased. 

How about wash your nasty hands and cover your gross mouth?  That’s a good home remedy.  Better yet, go get vaccinated.  I’m sure onions and garlic help to a very minimal degree; I do believe in home remedies myself but I’m not about to sit somewhere dying of the plague and eating onions in the hope that it will just disappear. 

Today’s Thought

You simply cannot hang a millionaire in America.  ~Bourke Cockran


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