Bitch Fest #9: All the WordPress Themes Suck!

I don’t usually do back-to-back bitch fests, but I blame this one on account that I’m hungry and I’m just looking for something to bitch about.

I would like to change the theme of my wordpress blog, however, all the themes are UGLY.  Whoever keeps creating new themes is just so proud of himself for coming up with something that he thinks people will like.  Yeah, I’m sure people like them, but I don’t!  I’m the one that matters.

Why can’t I have my blog look like the way I want it to look?  I don’t want set header images.  I don’t want set colours.  I want to be able to put whatever widgets on it I want.  Why can’t I do that?

I would like to have a BLACK background.  All black.  Not a black background with a big white square in the middle of it the way I currently have.  All the dark themes with black backgrounds come with lame pre-fixed pictures.  Black letter-head looked nice but what’s with the hideous orange?  I can’t change that!?  Chaos Theory was also nice but I can’t put in a header.  Hemingway doesn’t allow for enough content.  Re-doable Lite has the big ugly red square.  Sunburn, again with the hideous orange font.  They came out with a new one called Structure where supposedly you could go black but what I dislike about this one is that it has the “feature” thing at the top that I don’t like and can’t get rid of it, and then there’s a big white square in the middle where I’m supposed to put my widgets.  I don’t want to put my widgets there.  I WANT THEM ON THE SIDE.

And I hate unnecessary italics and bold print.  Don’t center things if I don’t want them centered.  Stop trying to make things automatic.  I am capable of some design editing.  I don’t need it to be all fancy, I just want the shit to look like how I want it to look.  What’s up with WordPress trying to control everything?  Is WordPress run by Microsoft?  Microsoft is another entity that likes to control every little thing you do, but don’t get me started on that Axis of Evil.  WordPress seems to be more devoted to the blogger who just wants to put up a bunch of pictures, which of course is not blogging. This is Wordpress not Photopress.  If you want to blog about your pictures, go to Flickr or whatever else photo sharing site they have out.  WordPress, can you please actually cater to people who WRITE!?  Writers like to EXPRESS THEMSELVES because have CREATIVE minds and don’t like to CONFORM to same-same bullshit.

Whenever I click through random blogs and see 12 of them with the same Tarski theme, it is irritating.  The theme is ugly to look at and they probably only picked it because they couldn’t make their blog look like how they wanted it.

I do not think I’m asking for too much.  Can I please get an ALL black background, no big dumb white squares in the middle.  Light grey or white font, colour-changeable links, my own custom header and a place to put my widgets on BOTH sides.  That’s all I ask.  I would also like to be able to change the font every now and again, add some life to this thing, but I won’t get greedy.

I’ve been clicking through all these themes over the past few days and maybe I’m just a retarded asshole and don’t know how to operate the themes.  IT SHOULDN’T BE THAT HARD.  It should be moron proof, since obviously I don’t know what I’m doing.  My first journal was on livejournal and I liked livejournal.  Why didn’t I stick with livejournal?  I was able to have my very own header with my very own colours and plain black background and place to put images (like my “currently reading” section).  I don’t know.  Maybe that’s part of the problem.  I change things up for no reason.  I went to blogspot, but I didn’t like blogspot either for precisely the same reason, you can’t modify anything!

And also, what is up with making the tags so prominent?  Nobody wants to read the tags, or at least I don’t.  I want to read content not tags.  So put the tags somewhere down at the bottom in very fine font.  If someone actually wants to read the tags, they can click on it and make it bigger.  I don’t want the tags in my title line.

As a bitch fest, this was pretty weak, but I’m hungry so I don’t have much fuel, just the impetus to start whining about everything in sight.

Oh yeah, why when I go to quick edit to update the categories the tags disappear!!??  Very fucking irritating.  Fix it, IMMEDIATELY!!!!

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6 responses to “Bitch Fest #9: All the WordPress Themes Suck!

  1. Landed on your blog after looking for ways to modify my ULGY blog on WordPress. I thank you for saying all I was feeling about them!!!!

    Good Luck!

  2. LOL … this was great. I agree with everything you said (and you said it so well, too). Having cut my teeth using Blogger for a couple years then moving to WP I know the aggravation of trying to find something that works.

    I usually tweak my own designs, but you can only get so far when you don’t know a lot about coding.

  3. YES. Thank you.
    I miss the livejournal themes! The only reason I am using wordpress is because if you want people to be able to comment without having to create a account or some open media crap, you can’t use lj. I had a WONDERFUL paid theme that I customized and I loved looking at it every day. Every time I try to really get my blog started on wordpress, I become discouraged by the UGLY THEMES. blog.com is considerably better (and that’s where I’ve ultimately set up shop). They use wordpress themes. Some of them are the same, but they have quite a few free themes that are not available on wordpress and they are what I would consider premium. I’m still not happy with my theme though. Sigh….

  4. TOTALLY AGREE 100%!!!

    Your last gripe re Quick Edit Categories, just yesterday I was grrrr’ing that Quick Edit does not include choosing a Top Heirarchy Category; & that I could not BULK MOVE 3-4-5 Categories up under a Main Heirarchy category. Nooo. Had to do them all 1 at a time. Who invents this stuff? They need to take an EFFICIENCY course. Oh, & I’m totally w/you on the Axis of Evil Control Freakery, lol.

    Usually I do my ranting under ID @MobiCritique but was already logged in as TPR, so here goes anyway… Since you like black & grey, you will not agree w/me on this but here’s my TODAY rant anyway, fwiw…

    WORDPRESS.com Themes SUCK BIG TIME! They are either HIDEOUS looking, or they lack BASIC COMMON SENSE features (such as NO footer widgets), or they add one INFURIATING aspect that cannot be changed & which RUINS the entire theme (they override header font color choice as an example), or they use INVISIBLE impossible-to-see grey text & pathetic eyeball-torturing fonts (VERDANA, the only legible text font, hello!), or the blog’s TITLE is too tiny & puny (haven’t they ever heard of branding?), or they use too much BLACK (black menu bars, big black footer areas, thick black divider lines, etc. >> WOMEN HATE BLACK WEBSITES, hello!), or they override your NO MOBILE choice & FORCE you onto a mobile version with NO WAY to access the FULL SITE (“flexible” width themes do this, what an oxymoron!), or the font is TOO SMALL (not everyone is 20 years old w/20/20 vision!), or they put a hazy white film over the theme (if that is a “skin,” no thank you!), etc. etc.!

    DESIGN is a female area of expertise innately (but we don’t know the behind the scenes coding), so mostly guys (& probably very young guys at that) who know coding inside & out (but have no sense of efficiency, layout & design, details, quirks, beauty, color coordination, nor what older people want, etc.) are the ones designing these hideous, irritating & half-baked retarded themes!

    Does WP.com tell theme designers, “We’ll promote your theme but you must LEAVE OUT or SCREW UP AT LEAST 2-3 IMPORTANT features or else nobody would buy our OVER-PRICED premium themes”(?) (which also look like crap, btw!)

    AND AND AND whoever writes the theme descriptions ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS leaves OUT details so the only way to find out is to WASTE MORE TIME, energy, effort testing yet ANOTHER theme! Grrr. 14 months & I’ve tested them all (got a ton of notes to show for it!) & still have NOT found a decent looking functional theme! Some day I’ll post all those notes as well!

    WP.com >> can’t stand the cult-like attitude in the Forums & the term “Happy Engineers” sounds like something from Scientology or Watchtower or Walmart cults; WP uses your private log in ID as your name in their forums, how dumb is that?; WP “recent comments” widget only shows blog title/name & date, how useless is that?; there’s no way to bulk edit Categories (delete bulk only); their support forums never include answers re posting by email; etc. etc.

    To end on a positive: WP’s emailed copies of posts look very nice, I like that; & I like their WP logo & color (much nicer than the putrid yellow/brown Posterous logo!) Their admin features mostly all will work from iphone browser except the SHARING settings (requires drag/drop, so that doesn’t work).

    Since I do ALL posting via email (& have since 2001), I never use any of the “post from site” features which the “Happy Engineers” are always raving about. BTW, the old dinosaur YahooGroups has never had a problem posting emails on site that are full of bold underline italics color fonts, etc., yet WP.com strips out all such “emphasizers” from emailed posts! Grrr. What does Yahoo know that WP can’t figure out?

    For 2-3 days I’ve been trying to make yet another theme look decent but it just doesn’t cut it, it is so unprofessional & tacky looking with those stupid tab things that hang above each widget & in crappy colors with no way to opt out of the colors; & the forced-color choices override the blog descript tagline color choice! Grrr. The only thing I loved (Mystique) is the SILVER menu bar! (& 4 footer widgets & white background footer!) BUT those hideously-colored tab dividers (which hang over widgets) RUINS the entire theme! (crappy font, too!)

    IT’s HOPELESS!!! :-/ I give up on WP.com THEMES! It’s criminally designer negligence, with malice! (or so it FEELS!) Thanks again.

    • PS: Just saw your last comment re lj requiring log in via social butterfly sites! I just did a rant earlier today about that very thing, a major pet peeve, required registration or log in just to comment. Forget it! My motto: “We will not comply but will simply pass your site by!”

      As you said, no required log in to comment is one of WP’s greatest features. The day they change that is the day I quit.

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