…it’s the most wonderful time of the year…with the kids jingle belling… and everyone telling you “be of good cheer,” it’s the most wonderful time of the year…. it’s the hap-happiest season of all….
It’s almost fall!
Summer is dying a slow, brutal death, FINALLY! It seemed like it just dragged on and on incessantly with no end in sight. This was a summer of extremes, following an extreme winter. The only difference is that I actually like winter, while I abhor summer. Depending on where you live, Baltimore saw a record of 55 days with temperatures of 90 degrees. There were seven days with temperatures above 100 degrees. Washington didn’t quite break its record, but there have been 62 days of temps over 90 degrees. That’s quite enough of that.
It’s not just the hot weather I hate about summer, it’s everything that comes with it. Everything dripping in sweat, people’s offensive body odour because they don’t realise that deodorant does actually wear off in heat that high. Women who come outside scantily clad because they are hot, and it doesn’t have anything to do with the fat nasty ones in a tank top so small it looks like floss, even attractive women in small clothing is annoying and offensive.
The sun comes up too early and goes down too late offering little relief from damaging UV rays. It’s hot from 6AM until 9PM, and I hate it. It doesn’t rain much and when it does rain, it’s not cooling, but more like tepid piss sprinkling all over you.
I hate summer because the kids are out of school. Everywhere I go there’s screaming brats, high-pitched tweens and ill-behaved teenagers. I can go to Wal-Mart at 6AM and avoid children, but if I need to go to the mall, they are always there because their parents figure that Abercrombie and Fitch is a better baby-sitter than Maury Povich. When I go running, kids are out there on the trails, behaving like idiots. Why aren’t you in school? Oh yeah, it’s summertime.
Even coming to and from work is annoying in summer because the roads are more congested because people are taking road trip vacations. Nobody goes on vacation in fall because their brats have to be back in school.
But in fall….
The weather is so much more agreeable. The kids are back in school and if I go to the mall at 9AM, no one is there except soccer moms! I can shop in peace. I can go running mid-day and not have a heat stroke and there won’t be any obnoxious kids on the trail.
People put on more clothes and I don’t have to see cottage cheese thighs, flabby triceps, saggy boobs, disgusting hairy feet (men in sandals) and saddle bags. I can wear my fall fashions: scarves, hats, light jackets, boots!!! When I go outside I don’t immediately become angry because the sun is not glaring me in my face damaging me with harmful free radicals. I can roll the windows down and smell crisp air.
I can go leaf-peeping. I can go for long evening walks. I start thinking about baking pies. Hot cocoa with kosher marshmallows. Pine needles. Ivy. Pumpkin patches. Ghost stories. Sleigh rides. Corn mazes. Hearty stews. Low-heeled boots. Fluffy scarves. Trendy cropped jackets. Layers. Snowflakes. Icicles. Snuggling up on my couch. Long winter evenings watching movies. Frosty morning air. A slower pace.
Get out of here, Summer. Nobody wants you anymore. I’m looking out for Autumn.