The 12 Days of Christmas
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
December 15, 1972
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
All my love,
December 16, 1972
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such
generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist,
you’ve been too kind.
All my love,
December 17, 1972
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough.
You are being too romantic.
December 18, 1972
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
December 19, 1972
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep
through the racket.
December 20, 1972
What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind
of joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and they never stop
the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny.
So stop those freaking birds.
December 21, 1972
I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
they had to bring their darn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can’t move in my own house.
You must think you’re really cute…please cut it out.
December 22, 1972
What are you…..some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And
let me tell you, do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and
they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours !
December 23, 1972
You rotten jerk:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies.
They’ve been playing around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m calling the police on you !
December 24, 1972
Listen you asshole
What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? You’ve
turned my home into a brothel. Those pipers got incredibly drunk on the eggnog, and ran through the maids. All twenty-three of the birds are dead.
They’ve been trampled to death in all the ruckus.
I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
You’re sworn enemy,
December 25, 1972
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.