Misadventures of the Village Idiot #76

Birthday weekend celebration!!!!  What an awesome weekend.

Okay, Friday wasn’t so awesome but it wasn’t that bad either.  I drilled Friday and Saturday instead of Saturday and Sunday because I had requested a long time ago to take the weekend off.  I had originally planned to be gone the entire weekend but I did not feel like making up both days.

Friday I went into the armoury and helped out with drill preparations.  It actually wasn’t the worst thing ever.  There were a few other soldiers there making up drill and it’s not like the work is mind-numbing or physically taxing.  I even got to go a little bit early.  That’s always a plus.

I planned to go to the movies that night but somehow things just did not go that way.  I ended up sleeping my life away.

This was an actual drill day and kind of a day from hell, but a good kind of hell, if there is such a thing.  I don’t know.  The day did not start off well because I received some interesting news.  At the time I received the news I was highly upset but after I had time to sit down let things marinate I decided that it is not bad news at all.  I am just going to take advantage of the opportunity and move on with my life.  I choose not to detail it here because there are other people involved.

Because A was out of the office, I worked in her place.  What a rough job.  I am so glad I did not allow the recruiter to talk me into being a supply person.  He was trying to get me to be supply, an MP or a cook.  Hell no to all three.  Supply is a serious job.  There is so much to know, and everyone did not understand that I was just down there helping out.  I am not a supply expert.  I don’t know how to order things.  I don’t know how things go.  I don’t know any of that.  Everyone just kept coming down harassing me. Now I see why A tells everyone to GTFO.  It’s a headache.  But when I said it was kind of like a hell that is a good kind of hell, I mean because I was busy and it helped the day to go by very quickly.  One minute it was 815 and the next minute it was 345 and time to lock everything up.

There were several people promoted this weekend.  There were the obvious ones, of course.  Then there was one and I was like… hmm…. what was that about?  But what do I know?  Obviously, nothing.  It wasn’t my turn.  I am beginning to feel like it will never be my turn.  The person in front of me was promoted but then they stopped.  I just seem to have the worst luck.  I am always in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I am not one of those people that ends up doing something lucky because they happen to be in the right spot.  That’s just not me.  And now this.  I’m trying not to get frustrated.  I guess my ship will come in some day.

After drill I hung out with Pops for a little while and then I hit the hay early because I had a race in the morning.

Birthday!!!  Yippeee!!!  In honour of my 32nd birthday I decided to run the Maryland Half Marathon for the University of Maryland Cancer Center.  It’s my first half and I don’t know what I was thinking.  They say if you can run this many miles than you can run a half and that’s what I was going off.  I woke up Sunday morning stretched and had a cookie, then I drove out to Maple Lawn some new community that I had never heard of.

The weather was perfect for a run.  Cloudy, breezy and cool.  There was a bit of mugginess but it wasn’t overwhelming.  I started to get nervous.  That is a lot of miles to be running:  13.1.  Why do they have to add that .1 like that?  So here’s my race synopsis.

Mile 1:
Kinda pumped because they got the music on blast.  There are 2000 runners out here.  Everyone is full of energy and excitement.  I got this!  But I have to pee.  That’s too bad because it’s gonna be at least two more hours before there’s another toilet.  Nice.

Mile 2:
Conquered the first hill and it was kind of a doozy.  Breathing is all wrong, feel like I’m flopping me feet too hard.  I don’t know if I can do this.  This is only mile 2 and I feel like this?  Maybe I should just quit.

Mile 3:
More hills.  Then I remember what the guy said:  “This is not a flat course because the battle for cancer is not a flat course.”  I am not trying to disrespect cancer victims and survivors, but screw you, guy.  Screw you.

Mile 4:
You run 4 miles all the time.  Why are you acting like you are doing something brand new?  There is a woman in a pink shirt that keeps walking/running past me.  I want to get away from her.

Mile 5:
Finally started to get comfortable.  Since I felt like I did not hydrate well enough in the day preceding, I stopped at every water station.  Pink Shirt Lady has racewalked/ran her way right on past me.

Mile 6:
I need new bras.

Mile 7:
Okay, 8 miles is the furthest I’ve ever run this year, so when I get to 8 I’ll stop running and walk the rest of the way. I also drank gatorade because I was worried about electrolytes.  I actually don’t know when I should really be concerned but I was concerned anyway so I accepted the gatorade.  It was orange flavoured.  Gross.  So now I have nasty orange flavour taste in my mouth for another mile.

Mile 8:
Broads from Fleet Feet in Baltimore are starting to get on my nerves.  First of all, they are talking.  Who can talk?  Obviously they can because they are doing that walk/run thing.  One woman has a watch that is similar to mine and every time it beeped I kept looking at my watch.

Mile 9:
The Fleet Feet bitches are still next to me and they are accompanied by a guy who is obviously in great shape.  He has sprinted up to the finish line and back again, and then all the way back down to mile 7 where another friend of theirs is.  He is also doing jumping jacks at the water stations.  Get the fuck away from me!

Mile 10:
The bottom of my feet hurt like I’ve been shopping for hours, except when I get to the finish line there aren’t gads of new clothes waiting for me.

Mile 11:
These goddamn hills.  My God!  I am finally able to get rid of the Fleet Street women.  They’re way behind me now.  I want to stop running but I don’t know how.

Mile 12:
We’re in this brand new neighbourhood in Maple Lawn.  Nice houses.  That’s fucking great.  Is it over yet?  How come the last mile is the longest?  I think I have a blister.  I’m tired of my iPod.  I’m tired of everything.  I’m hungry.

Mile 13:
I’m glad they thoughtfully put a 13th mile sign, like I can’t see the finish line is around the corner.  They just want to let you know they didn’t forget about that .1.  Seriously, that was the longest tenth of a mile ever.  Really?  I started to burn it out. I ran like an axe murderer was chasing me.  I ran like I was late for dinner.  I ran like Jesus was about to start the Rapture.  I ran like… Forrest fuckin’ Gump, okay.  Like a fool.  I crossed the finish line like I was the champion, like I was the number one winner.

When I was finally able to stop running my feet were not physically moving but my body was still running.  It was an odd sensation.  I had muscles sore and throbbing in places I didn’t even know there were muscles.  It was insane.  Everything hurt.  Even my teeth.  My fingers.  The ends of my toenails.  Very bizarre.

Then a man comes up to me and says, “Did you get a medal?”

Why would I get a medal?  The clock said 2:34:25.  Yes, I had been running for two and a half hours.  They don’t usually give medals to people who place 743rd.  Then he said, “Everybody who finishes gets a medal.”

Oh!  D’uh!  He put the medal on me and I truly felt like a winner.  My body felt like it had gone 12 rounds with Pacquiao but that’s another story.

I am so stiff and sore that I can hardly make it back to the car.  I was parked about 3 minutes from the finish line.  It took me about 15 minutes to get there.  I was afraid to sit down in the car because I felt that I would stiffen up and be stuck in the sitting position for the rest of my life.

This was not the case however.  I got home, showered and immediately got on the foam roller.  This helped recovery but I’m still pretty beat up.

Pops and I went to Founding Farmers for brunch and then I took him back to the Maple Lawn neighbourhood because I thought he might like the houses.  By 5PM I was completely beat but all my friends and family were calling me to wish me happy birthday.  I thought it was awesome.  Even people from whom I did not expect a call managed to get in touch with me.  I just think it’s funny…. but you know what, I don’t feel like turning this into something negative.

Right as I was dozing, someone called me with a job offer.  They want to pay me ……………………………………….. Yeah.

It’s a lot of fucking money but I just don’t know.  You know me and money.  I’m a saver, but I’m not greedy and I don’t need a headache just for an extra dollar.  The job sounds intense and I have been saying to myself that I need to get out of this line of work.  I cannot allow myself to be tantalised away from what I truly want to do.  And that is be a vagabond.  It’s not for everyone but it works for me.

At any rate, I told them I’d think about it.  I’m going to Hawaii and I don’t plan on bringing any stress with me.  I’ll call them when I return.  If the job is still there, we’ll see.  If not, then oh well.  You know how I feel about things like that.

So today is Monday.  I woke up still feeling all wonked out but not as a bad as yesterday.  I’m going to take the next few days off running but soon I will get back on it.  The Big One is October and I plan on having a better physical race experience.  I also want to do another half before then.  I have discovered that I think my favourite distance will be the 10 miler.

Thank you everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes.  My birthday month spectacular has been awesome so far.  Next weekend I will be in Hawaii and the weekend after that I will go to King’s Dominion to put a cap on all this awesomeness.


One response to “Misadventures of the Village Idiot #76

  1. Hilarious! OK, so I spewed juice all over my tablet on mile 3, and choked on the rest of it during mile 9!
    What an awesome way to celebrate 32 years. Congratulations on ::WINNING::
    And thank you for sharing… <3ed it!

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