The Unseen Hand
Up until now I felt confident that there was a silver lining in the little black rain cloud that has been following me since August 30. I was very sure that something good would come from all this. I like to believe that it cannot rain all the time and after every storm there is a rainbow. There’s usually something out there that makes hard times worth it. I was holding on to those type of thoughts for strength so I can make it through the [insert however many] days we have left here.
I am now convinced that there are some unnatural forces at work here, determined to bring me to my lowest point and destroy me. I have been working very hard at something these past few weeks, busting my ass because it was something that I really wanted. I was looking forward to it with such a passion, knowing that as soon as this shit is over there was that waiting for me. It was going to make all of this worth it.
It is a little bit like knowing you lost the race and the race hasn’t even started yet. Even though I like to whine and complain about everything and I’ll do anything to be as lazy as possible, I am not actually afraid of hard work. I understand that through your toils you are usually rewarded for your efforts. I am willing to do anything to be helpful, and I am willing to do what is required to better myself, but when you do not even get the chance to exhibit your better qualities, that is what’s so frustrating.
Now I do not know what to do. Now I do not know what to hope for. Now I do not know what to look forward to.
As I write this, I am destroying a half gallon tub of Nutella, which amounts to 2200 calories. Since there are no drugs or alcohol here, I cannot self-medicate my sorrows. The only other option is to eat my life away. I figure, since I don’t have a boyfriend and I’ve already been weighed for the year, what does it really matter? I just feel like nothing matters anymore.
Everyone keeps saying to stay positive, focus on the positive. What exactly is positive? Everyone says it could be worse. What is worse? Rock bottom? If this is the lowest you’ve ever been, what do you know about worse? Nothing. You have only your own experiences to tell you what is good, bad and worse.
Now that I am here I honestly have no idea why I was so hell-bent on doing this. For whatever reason I felt like it was the right thing to do. I felt like I needed the experience. I just really had it in my head that this was the best choice. This is turning out to be the biggest mistake I have ever made. You know how when you make a bad decision, do something dumb, the fall out can be far reaching? If you hadn’t done this, then that would have never happened and so on? I feel like I am going to be paying for this stupid mistake for a long time to come.
I have never regretted anything more.