50 Things Real Adults Do That I Don’t Do

I borrowed this from one Ms. Johanna de Silentio.  I found it on a friend’s Facebook page.  Out of boredom I started reading it and then I died laughing because it was just so moronic.  I am not sure how this woman came up with this list–if it came from her own delusions or from someone else’s.  Usually I like lists of things, but this one was pretty sad.  Since I do not have anything better to do with my time and not classified as a “real adult,” and this was the stupidest things I have ever read, I present you with my response.

 

  1. Make their bed.   Adults make their beds, but Johanna de Silentio doesn’t.  Where I come from, children are taught to make their beds and hopefully, if the parents were any good, this is something that follow the child into adulthood.  I guess if you don’t like to make your bed you are not an adult.
  2. Own a pet or a child.  I was not aware that it had become legal to own children.  Regardless, I don’t have either and don’t have any plans to do so.  I guess that means I will never grow up.
  3. Have a stress-free conversation with the mechanic.  Do children typically have conversations with mechanics?  Usually, owning a car and taking care of it is a very adult thing.  If the mechanic tells you your vehicle needs an engine overhaul I can see how that would be very stressful.  But not if you’re a real adult.  If you’re a real adult, you can just plunk down thousands of dollars without stress or concern for your other household bills and obligations.
  4. Have more than one set of sheets.  What if you are a very frugal adult?  Or what if this is all you can afford?  I guess you’re not a real adult.
  5. sAvInGs aCcOuNt.  This is exactly as it was written by Johanna (sans the bold and underline).  She is definitely letting us know that she is not a real adult with this up and down style of writing that is usually found on teenage Facebook accounts.  I had a savings account at age 10.  I was already exhibiting the maturity of a real adult at that time, even though I still played with Barbie.
  6. Wear jewelry.  Since my current profession does not allow for the wearing of jewelry, I guess I am not a real adult.
  7. Decorate their homes for holidays.  I do not typically celebrate the holidays and there are a number of adult Americans that don’t either.  Therefore, they are not real adults.
  8. Remember birthdays.  Johanna did not specify whose birthday a real adult would remember, their own, or other real adults?  What if they are Jehovah’s Witness or Amish and do not place any special significance on birthdays?  Can they not be real adults in this case?
  9. Know what they are going to eat for a meal more than 5 minutes out.  There have been many occasions where I could not figure out what I wanted to eat.  Sometimes my friends and I are at a loss in making a decision.  I guess we have not matured enough into creating a yearly menu that we could follow so that we always know what we are to eat more than five minutes prior.
  10. Pack lunches.  This is another vague stipulation to real adulthood.  Pack lunches for who?  The children that I should own?  Or pack my own lunch or for other real adults?  I suppose I am being facetious and I am sure that Johanna meant real adults pack their lunches for work.  Being single, I find this often unsatisfying, inconvenient and sometimes more expensive than it should be.  In order to be seen as an adult, I should pack an unnecessary lunch.
  11. Stay in hotels on vacation instead of your friend’s cool floor.  After my stress-free conversation with the mechanic, I find that I can no longer afford a hotel or a vacation, so I am much obliged if a friend of mine allows me to crash at her place.  Most people do prefer their own accommodations but I do not know any real adults that would balk at an opportunity for anything free, especially in these trying economical times.
  12. Watch TV news.  Despite the fact that Johanna has professed that she is not a real adult, I believe she may have been born somewhere in the 50s.  The TV is a great way to catch up on news, but it is 2012 and in these fascinating modern times, real adults are able to get the news via any number of media outlets.  But since real adults watch news, I am still a wayward child if I should glance at a newspaper every now and again, or God forbid, read the news on a news website.
  13. Networking.  This is one I will grant Johanna.  This is a skill that comes naturally to few people.  The rest of us have to grow into it, and that does come from experience and maturity.  So far, Johanna, you’ve got one.  I’ll give you that.
  14. Have a landline.  Okay, really?  The only people I know with landlines are the idiots who have “bundled” cable packages.  They thought they were saving money by buying something most of them don’t need or even use.  For me, a landline was a total waste of money because I was never home enough to use it and none of my friends wanted to bother with a second phone number.  If you call my cell you can always get me.  Call the house, you’ll just end up calling the cell anyway.  But only real adults know this.
  15. Care about their friend’s babies.  What if you don’t know any friends with babies?  Can you not be a real adult?
  16. Drive to bars.  Only so you can drive home from the bar totally sloshed.  That’s a real adult for you.  But the real question is how do non-real adults get to bars?
  17. Live in the suburbs.  What’s wrong with living in the city, or in a rural area?  So discounting age, about 65% of the American population is not a real adult because they live in a city?
  18. Avoid taking public transportation.  At this point I am dying laughing, but then I understand Johanna’s logic.  Many people that live in the city, especially big metropolises take public transportation.  Since they aren’t real adults because they live in the city, it doesn’t matter that they take public transportation because that is not what real adults do.  Forget about the fact that it might be more convenient or cheaper, or maybe you’re a person that cares about the environment and you want to help reduce your carbon footprint by not owning a car.  I think Johanna is right:  everyone should move out of New York City to Westchester and buy a car and then commute into the city for their jobs.  That’s what real adults do…. create congestion and smog.
  19. Get enough sleep.  Babies get enough sleep.  Are they real adults?
  20. Go to church > ~1x/year  What if you’re an atheist?  Or Jewish or Muslim or any other religion that doesn’t require church presence?  You’re not a real adult.
  21. Get their cars detailed.  What if you’re able to do it yourself?  Does that count?  I never had my car detailed because I kept it clean enough that it never required it.  Is that not adult enough?
  22. Mow a lawn.  What if you don’t have a lawn?  Wait a minute, since real adults live in suburbia they have lawns.  But wait, what if you live in an apartment in suburbia?  You’re not an adult?
  23. Use coupons.  I don’t even know how to respond to this.  Maybe because I don’t use coupons, but then we’ve established that I am not much of a real adult.
  24. Bake things for people at work.  Again, I’m laughing.  Although I know a lot of men that bake, I know a ton more that don’t.  I also know a ton of women that don’t bake.  Guess they’re not real adults.
  25. Make conversation with adult strangers.  It is 2012 and it’s a war out there.  It’s not really safe to be striking up conversations with adult strangers, but I guess they do that in suburbia.  I wouldn’t know, not being a real adult.
  26. Haven’t convinced their 11-year-old cousin they personally know Justin Bieber.  I’m just going to leave this one alone.  It’s just too stupid for words.  Even if you AREN’T a real adult, who would purposely try to convince anyone that they knew Justin Bieber, or any celebrity for that matter, unless they had some kind of mental issue?
  27. Shower before work + blow dry hair.  I happen to bathe at night because I don’t like to get into bed dirty.  I also don’t blow dry my hair because it is damaging.  So another fail for me.
  28. Natural look make-up.  What about no make-up, does that count?
  29. Paint their nails with neutral colors.  I had always thought of myself as a real adult, despite the fact that Johanna has informed me that I am not.  At any rate, I do sometimes wear outrageous nail colour.  I guess that has sealed my fate.
  30. Wear sandals that aren’t metallic flip-flops.  I am not sure why anyone would wear metallic flip flops.  I guess she meant metallic-coloured flip-flops but there’s really know trying to guess where Johanna is concerned.
  31. Matching place settings.  What if you’re single and don’t entertain much?
  32. Own “place settings”  What if can’t afford it or you never have anyone over?  Does it matter if you have place settings?
  33. Ask their dads for a favor without using a baby voice.  Something tells me that Johanna is very good at this.
  34. Wash clothes after each wear.  I have a number of items that require dry cleaning.  Is that the same thing?
  35. Use wash clothes.  I am assuming she meant washcloths, but at any rate, what about those loufahs.  That’s too childish?
  36. Use shapewear.  Here is another hysterical laughing point for me.  Real adults use shapewear?  What if you are in excellent shape and do not require shapewear? What about men?  Are real adult males expected to wear corsets and butt padding?
  37. Invest.  Okay, another point for Johanna.  This is another of those things that does come with maturity and ability.
  38. Refer to things as “investments”  What things, precisely?
  39. Feel ambivalent about getting something for free.  Despite making a comfortable salary I am always excited to receive something for free.  Any time I can save money it’s a good thing, but in order to be a real adult you must be blase about it.  Too much excitement is childish.
  40. Subscribe to magazines they read regularly instead of buying them each month at the newsstand price.  Johanna gets a third point from me because this does make good sense.  I don’t know if you have to be a real adult to figure this one out though.
  41. Return library books.  Since I am in the habit of stealing library books, there goes my credibility as a real adult.  This one was just stupid.  I’ve known a few people who have accidentally forgotten about a library book but I do not know anyone who has purposely taken a book without any plan to return it.
  42. Scrapbook.  Really?  Real adults scrapbook.
  43. Feel a genuine curiosity about the different types of wine.  What if you do not like wine or don’t drink at all?  What if beer is your thing?  What if you just want to get sloshed and don’t care how it happens, whether it’s red or white or French brandy?
  44. Correct grammar.  Unless you’re an English teacher, you’re screwed.
  45. Send faxes.  1987 anyone?  I’m not sure I’ve faxed anything since high school.  They have scanners now, or didn’t you know that Johanna?
  46. Keep important documents in a file cabinet/not throw them away in a feng shui attack.  I give Johanna a half point for this one.  It is important to keep documents that you’ll need later, but you don’t need a file cabinet and if it’s beginning to clutter it’s time to get rid of things.  As I mentioned before, they have these things called scanners now.
  47. Grow plants recreationally.  This is just as dumb as scrapbooking.
  48. Vote for Republicans.  What about the rest of America?  They’re not adults?  I mean, real adults?
  49. Watch network television shows.  What precisely about network TV makes one a real adult?  What if you prefer reading instead of TV?
  50. Dream about retirement.  Another half point, bringing the grand total to four.  Retirement is important and I think a real adult does spend some time contemplating retirement, but dreaming about it?  Unless you are the day before 67 (or whatever the retirement age is) and about to start collecting that check with no fear the money will run out, I guess life sucks for you because you are not a real adult.
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