April Fool

Yeah, look out, buddy

Yeah, look out, buddy

I believe strongly in karma.  I believe you get back what you give out, so I think I must have given out some bad ju-ju in order to get back the type of crap I’ve been getting lately.  I sure wish I knew what it was so I could atone for it and perhaps change my fortune.  Time will tell, of course, and it cannot rain all the time.

Of course, I’m talking about the dudes in my life.  I sure know how to pick some winners.  Maybe it’s because I’m not such a prize myself.  You know you’re lucky if you manage to catch someone who’s “worth” more than you are.  Most of us attract and link up with those who are similar to us on the dime scale.  Meaning, if you’re a five, you’re gonna get somewhere between 4-6.  If you’re an 8, you have a good chance of capturing the elusive dime piece.  Or whatever.

It just seems to me the ones I want don’t want me back, or the ones I don’t want are obsessed with me.  No matter how nasty or bitchy I am, these fools keep coming back.  Let’s talk about Creepy McWeirdo.  We’ll call him Chad for shorts.

I met this dude at work.  We did not work together at all, but just happened to work for the same company.  We had no interaction with each other work.  I went to a company meeting and saw him there.  The second time I saw him wandering around in the hallway.  We struck up a conversation and a few months later he asked me if I wanted to go out sometime.  Yeah, sure.  We had a few things in common.  He is moderately attractive.  I could have done a lot of worse, just going off face value alone.

First couple of dates were decent.  At that particular time I was not interested in long-term, just a nice person to spend time with.  After a few months of dating, though, I realised that when I scratched below the surface we had nothing in common.  The fundamentals are important.  He would say stuff like, “I would never raise another man’s kid.”  Lots of people wouldn’t, but I said, “What if the father died and the woman was a widow?”  He said, “Send the bastard to an orphanage.”  Uh, I’m sure a lot of women will agree to that.  Once we were having a conversation about social responsibility.  I believe in the “it takes a village” mantra.  He said that he could really give a shit about other people’s kids and that he wished he did not have to pay taxes to fund schools.  So basically, let the little fuckers run rampant and when they come rob your ass, don’t complain.  Obviously, not the type of guy I could ever see myself with for an extended period of time.

He said he was into feng shui

He said he was into feng shui

Shit started to go downhill after he invited me to his house.  Let me tell you that when a woman makes up her mind about whether she will sleep with a man, there is really nothing you can do to change her mind (legally, I mean).  I was already thinking no, and when I got to his house, I thought HELL NO.  He lived in a decent apartment WITHOUT A STICK OF FURNITURE.  And when I say without a stick of furniture, I mean literally.  The living room was bare, like when you first move in.  There was nothing in the kitchen, no counter objects, nothing.  We passed the first bedroom, which had absolutely  nothing in it.  When we went into his bedroom, he had two LAWN CHAIRS, a TV sitting on top of a TV box, and an air mattress, like something you would use for camping.

Uh.  Yeah.

So we sit in the lawn chairs, but he doesn’t have cable (neither do I), but he didn’t have like Netflix or DVDs or anything.  He had a Playstation and he asked if I wanted to watch him play a game.  I’m into gaming, but I don’t want to watch you play a game.  He only had one controller, so scratch playing a game together.

Keep in mind that he is in his mid-30s.  I’m in my early 30s at this point.  So, definitely should be established by now.

I was completely turned off and decided that I really didn’t want to see him again.  Being in someone else’s apartment is dangerous territory though, so I made up a story about just receiving a text message from a drunk friend.  I told him that I made a promise that I would always come get her if she was too drunk to drive, because she already had one DUI.  He offered to help but I said that it was going to be difficult because I had to sneak her back into her house where she lived with her parents, even though she was an adult.  Yeah, lame.  I know, but it’s all I could think of.

You have to understand, he has this cute dinette.  I couldn't resist.  Are we cool?

You have to understand, he has this cute dinette. I couldn’t resist. Are we cool?

I left, but because I believe in dumping a person to their face (as opposed to text messages or phone calls), I told him to come see me at the end of the week.  He came over and I told him that we should just stick to being friends or co-workers.  He seemed disappointed but he didn’t get upset.  I didn’t hear from him for a week, but he started texting me again, asking me how I was doing.  It wasn’t anything weird, just casual.  He called every now and again, and the conversations were always very neutral.  He didn’t ask me out again or ask me if I was seeing anyone else, nothing like that.

But he started talking about himself and weird little things.  I told him I was getting deployed (the first deployment) and he said he’d been in the military.  This whole time I never knew he’d been in the military.  He said he got out because he refused to PCS to Hawaii.  I don’t know what insane person doesn’t want an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii for a few years, but everyone has their preferences.  Then he said he’d been deployed to Saudi Arabia (I think).  He said little weird things that didn’t make sense, but I didn’t press him because it was his business.  Later, I came to realise that he’d gotten into some trouble on his deployment.  Then one time he called and said he was bored.  I told him to get a hobby and he said, “When I go out after dark, I get into trouble.”

What grown man says this?

Then he called to say that he was in trouble at work and that he might lose his job.  He did not say exactly what the trouble was, but something about his deployment and maybe he might have blacked out, or something.  It was all very sketchy and I started to wonder if he had been kicked out of the military, rather than just getting out like he claimed.

I know you’re like, “why are you even still talking to this person?”  Okay, we didn’t ever see each other again, face to face, and talking on the phone seemed harmless.  I didn’t hear from him for a few weeks, then he sends me a text.

Hey what’s up?

Not much.  Just chillin’

Yeah, I’m over here chillin’ with my wife.

…………………. wife?

I did not initially freak out because I had been in his apartment.  There was ZERO indication that anybody lived there other than him.  There were no women’s clothes, no shoes, a second toothbrush, nothing.  Sure, it could mean anything.  Maybe the wife lived somewhere else.  Maybe that wasn’t his apartment, but….

Me:  Your wife?

Him:  Yeah, I just got married.

Me:  Uh, congratulations?  Were you engaged while we were dating?

Him:  No, we just met a few weeks ago.

I didn’t even respond.  It was too weird.  Days later.

Him:  Hey, I need your advice.

Me:  About what?

Him:  My wife goes through my phone.  I don’t know what to do.

Me:  Uh, I don’t either.  If you don’t have anything to hide, what’s the problem?

Him:  I like my privacy.

Me:  You’re married.  No such thing as privacy.

No response.  Two days later.

Him:  Hey, what’s up?

Me:  Nothing.

Him:  My wife’s friends are coming on to me.  I don’t want any drama, what should I do?

Me:  I have no idea.  Why are you telling me this?

Him:  Because you’re really smart and I value your opinion.

Me:  I’ve never been in that situation.  I don’t know.

I began to wonder if this wife even existed.  It seemed like something contrived to make me jealous, which didn’t really make any sense.  A few days later:

Him:  I got fired.

Me:  Sorry about your luck.

Then I deployed.  Over the course of that miserable deployment, he emailed me a few times to see how I was doing.  I wasn’t the happiest person on deployment and apparently he didn’t like my response.

Him:  You’re so nasty to me, and I don’t know why.  I really care about you.  I’m just trying to look out for you.

I don’t hear from him for a year, then early in 2013:

Him:  Hey, what’s up?  You never wrote me back?  Why do you ignore me?  I thought we were friends.

Pictured:  actual text message

Pictured: actual text message

I don’t remember ever saying I was going to write back, or even what he was talking about actually.  It was out of the blue.  We chatted a bit on Google chat, but at this point I had completely moved on with my life and I could not understand why he was still bothering with me.  I had not physically seen him since 2011.

Him:  You’re really hostile for no reason.  I just want the best for you.

Fast forward March 2014.

I’m at work and run into an old boss of mine.  We’re chatting and another co-worker comes up.  That co-worker says, “Hey, you guys remember Chad, the weird guy?”  I was glad that someone else found him to be weird.  This co-worker then says, “He’s marrying Katie.”  I didn’t know who Katie was, but I said, “I thought he was already married?”  No one knew anything about it.

And in a strange turn of events, he emails me earlier this month.  It was like a horror movie.

Him:  Hey what’s up!  Long time no talk.  I guess you’re too busy to say hi.

Me:  Uh, hi.

Him:  So we’re back to the hostile thing?

Me:  What do you want from me?

Him:  I’m just trying to be your friend.  I’ve always wanted to be your friend.  I know you don’t believe it but I really cared about you but you kicked me to the curb.

Me:  Congratulations on your marriage.  Second marriage?  Or like a polygamy thing?

Him:  What?

Me:  I thought you were already married but I saw Tina and she said you’re marrying a girl named Katie.  What about the other wife?  Did you get divorced?

Him:  I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I was never married.

Me:  Okay, whatever.  I don’t know if you’re a liar or just a weirdo.  You said you were married before.  I don’t delete emails or text messages, so I’ll be glad to forward those back to you so you can see what you once told me.  I don’t really care because I didn’t like you like that but at least get your lies straight.

Him:  I never lied.

Me:  Whatever.  I don’t know why you keep contacting me.  We’re not friends.  In fact, this whole interlude has just been strange.  Everything about it is off.  Please do not contact me ever again.

No, they said it was cool.

No, they said it was cool.

I have never said that to anyone before.  I have remained friends with just about everyone I’ve ever dated.  I’ve never had any vicious falling out with boyfriends or lovers.  Usually, relationships just run their course and it’s over.  I might be inwardly jealous if someone moves on before I’m ready to, but I don’t stalk people or anything like that.  Usually, there’s a period where we don’t talk and then we run into each other again and strike up a conversation and we’re just friends.  Mostly, I’ve never wanted anyone back once it’s all over.  This guy, though, nah, he has to go.

I was so creeped out that I tweeted that if anything ever happened to me, go into my email and find a folder called “To Me.”  It has every email and google chat we ever had.  I also don’t delete text messages, so there’s those too.

The struggle is real.



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