Cubicle Death #18

trump supporter

How Co-Worker #3 spent her holiday break.

Everybody has returned to the office after the holiday break.  I miss the quiet solitude, shopping on Amazon and doing whatever the fuck I want to do.  It’s been great not having Co-Worker #3’s loud ass annoying voice piercing my ear drums.

Yesterday, Big Big Boss called to say that she would return on Tuesday, citing that she had broken her arm over the holiday break.  She would not say what happened to her.  Sometimes when a woman has an injury like that and refuses to explain what happen, you might think domestic abuse.  Except, Big Big Boss probably wouldn’t allow anybody to abuse her, but you never know.

broken arm

Brackium Emendo!

She came to work this morning with a big purple cast on her right arm.  Because she’s the Big Big Boss everyone is fawning over her.  “Oooh, what happened?”  “Are you okay?”  She finally admits that she broke her arm riding a hoverboard.

She said she bought two for her grandchildren and she just loved them so much she bought one for herself.  She said she spent the entire holiday break riding it and wouldn’t stop even when it started to rain and snow.  When it got too icy outside to ride it, she brought it in the house and started riding around on her hardwood floors.  The batteries just randomly died and it threw her off into a piece of furniture.

hoverboard

My boss wouldn’t wear skinny jeans, but you get the idea

I didn’t even know what to say to her because she is the Big Big Boss and I don’t want to get fired, so I just asked if she was okay.  I find it unfathomable that a woman of her caliber would be riding a hoverboard on her own damn hardwood floors.  This is a woman who is at the top of her professional game.  She runs a multimillion dollar program and is in charge of hundreds of employees.  She comes to work everyday in bomb ass suits, and she is incredibly intelligent and business savvy.

But yet, she was riding a hoverboard…in…her…house.

Cubicle Death #13: You Stink!

We all have this type of person in the office:  the one who dresses way above his salary, gets her hair and nails done every week, always has on the exact outfit advertised on the mannequin at the local department store… the one who wears half a bottle of cologne to the office and then sprays the other half on as soon as he sits down at his desk.

I have a very keen nose.  I can smell everything.  When I walk past people I get whiffs of hair spray, cologne, perfume, body odour, the coffee they spilled, anything.  There’s this guy in my office who insists on hosing himself down with his cologne before he leaves the office for the day.  My office is 24 hours.  Someone is always here.  He is leaving as I come in.  He’ll stand around and gab with the new shift coming and then he’ll reach into his bag and pull out some cheap .99 parfume de couer and start spraying himself down.  Not one squirt, or two, or even three, but at least 10-12 times.  He will spray around his collar, on his wrists, up his shirt, down the back of his shirt, and around his hair.

The office immediately becomes clouded up with the stench of whatever cologne he wears.  I wonder why he is spraying himself like that only to leave the office.  If he’s going home to his wife/girlfriend/dog/whatever, why can’t he spray himself in his car or right before he gets to where ever he is going?

He will sit there and lay on the cologne and leave and the office is filled with the raunch stench of his cologne for hours after he is gone.  It is like he wants us to remember him until he returns for his next shift.  I asked my manager to speak to him because I just couldn’t take it anymore, but she cited some kind of regulation that forbade her from speaking to him about that particular issue.  So basically he can offend everybody else and we’re not allowed to say anything, and I’m not the only one complaining.  Other people have come into the office like, “What the fuck is that smell?”  Or “Someone should tone down the cologne.”

The sad part is that the cologne is very cheap.  It smells like rubbing alcohol and dead flowers and it has this pungent aroma that just lingers in the air like factory run off.

But you know, cheap cologne is one thing… what about people who come to the office with superior body odour?

So I mentioned last week that I ran a 5K at my job.  Well, before you say anything, let me explain something to you.  If you bathe regularly, doing a simple aerobic exercise isn’t going to make you smell like week old goat cheese.  You might be a little murky, a little warm but you aren’t going to stank like you’ve been fermenting in a vat of milk and vinegar.

After I finished the race, I was headed over to the registration tables to turn in my chips and get some post-race refreshments, I passed this guy who smelled so bad that everything he passed died in his wake.  There was literally a cloud of filthy despair hanging over him.  And it was powerful too, like some unseen force from hell.  He was so stank that I could not cross him.  There was a barrier of stench preventing me from passing him.  I had to go all the way around just to get where I was trying to go because he smelled so bad I thought that Satan had erupted from the depths of hell in a bubbling froth of vulgarity.

A very fast runner finishes a 5K in about 20 minutes.  A very slow runner will do it in an hour.  The day was very mild, perhaps 60 degrees.  There wasn’t much sun.  Doing an hour’s worth of work doesn’t cause you to smell like something crawled up your ass and died.  The sad part was that there were several people who had extreme body odour after the race, women too!  How can you smell that bad.  This means you haven’t had a bath in weeks, maybe even months.  Or maybe you just get in the tub and let the water run on you but you don’t use soap or any type of cleaning agent.

I know that some people are like bathing everyday isn’t necessary, and I agree with you but when you smell like a bacon wrapped shit stick you should never miss a shower.  And don’t give me that crap about being natural.  Yes, I believe in that too but that type of smell should never be associated with the human body.

And then when the race festivities were over, a lot of people just went back to their offices in their stankin’ ass running clothes, or worse, they went and put on their suits on top of that putrescence.  I brought a little wash cloth so I could clean the sweat off me and I refreshed my deodorant.  This may not be good enough for some people but I am proud to say that I didn’t just come back to my office with sweaty ass crack.  I also bathe frequently so I don’t have pre-existing body odour.

That is the point I’m trying to make.  Please stop coming to the office smelling like a boiling lake of sulphur.  Please stop drowning yourself in your .99 CVS brand perfume.  Just take a shower every now and again, wash your greasy ass hair, and lay off the hair products.  And we’ll all get along just fine.

Cubicle Death #12: Office Music

It’s 7:15AM and my co-worker is blaring Gospel music at his desk.

At this hour of the morning, it is fairly quiet in the building.  Only about 20% of the workforce is in yet.  In our particular office, it’s just me, him and the girl who answers the phones.  So it’s kinda quiet over here.  I was just minding my business, reading the news when I hear “Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!” Since he is the uber-Christian, I knew it had to be him.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love the Lord just as much as anybody else, but I don’t like Gospel music.  A group of black people screaming “Jesus” and “Hallelujah!” into a microphone is not really singing.  On top of all that, this is an office not a church.  Since we do not have the benefit of having our own offices with doors, you should probably invest in some headphones because I’m not in the mood right now.

Thanks.