Crap the Kid Says #6

Last night, I was playing Mariah Carey’s greatest hits very loudly in the front room.  When I put on her music, I pretend to be a backup singer and sing at the top of my lungs, trying to overpower her.  The kid comes in and says,

I’m going to buy you your own karaoke machine.

I blithely informed him that I do not need a karaoke machine.  Then he says,

What about your own record label?

I guess he thinks he’s Tony Mattola or something.  Because kids frequently buy their own record labels and give them out as gifts.

Crap the Kid Says #5

I asked him to sweep the kitchen so I could mop.  He asked me if he could sweep the front room and I said don’t worry about it.  On second thought I told him to go ahead.  He exclaimed, “Yes!!!”  When I looked at him strangely, he replied:

So?  Housewives like to clean, read books and be alone.  I like to sweep.

I don’t know why he mentioned housewives, the comment was just ridiculous.

Crap the Kid Says #4

We were sitting down, chillin, listening to Erykah Badu’s new song Window Seat:

That part kinda don’t make no sense.  She said she want a window seat cuz she don’t want nobody next to her, but if you get a window seat, then somebody will be sitting next to you.  You got that middle seat and the other seat on the end.  You really can’t get no seat with nobody next to you, so I don’t know what this song is about.

Leave it to the kid to dissect a song so minutely that all the joy is stripped of it.

Crap the Kid Says #2

The kid and I were having dinner just now.  I gave him a chicken sausage and two pieces of chicken I barbequed over the weekend.  He was chowing down.

I feel sorry for the chickens.  They get killed and it tastes delicious.

Crap the Kid Says #1

The kid and I were out for our evening walk last night.  We heard a rustle in the bushes.  I turned and saw a deer.  The kid started screaming and he ran off.  When I caught up with him, I said, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

He said, “I thought it was a tiger.”

Oh, okay, because tigers are usually roaming freely in suburban Maryland.

Then a leopard or a panther or something.