Cubicle Death #15: Punching Co-Workers in the Face

So I guess if I want to keep my job I can’t really punch my co-workers in the face, can I?  That’s just too bad because some of them really need a good punch in the face.  Was there some kind of memo that gave certain co-workers the right to act like smug bitches?  If there was, I must have missed it.

I took the day off yesterday because I have a right to do that.  If I had been thinking right, I would have come in yesterday and taken today since today is a snow day.  I think I’m the only person in this whole stupid state that doesn’t mind the snow.  I think if you take your time and prepare adequately it isn’t that big a deal.  I also live less then ten minutes away from the office.  During snow, it may take me 20 minutes.  It’s really not that big a deal.

So I come to work this morning to find that the building is closed due to snow.  My co-worker is like, “What are you doing here?”  Uhm, working?  What are you doing here?  She goes into this thing about how the building is closed and I was like, “Well, there is only about two inches of snow outside.  I live three miles away.  If my broke down car can get here, I don’t see what the problem is.”

I sat down at my desk and started checking emails.  She is a person who has to get her point across.  She starts muttering about how she would not be “pressed” to do anything that was dangerous.  She goes on and on as if there was 15 inches of snow outside in gale force winds.  When I don’t respond, she asks me what the mission critical policy states for our office.  My office is 24 hours.  Someone has to be here at all times.  I told her if you get to the end of your shift and nobody is here you have to stay.  However, since I am here and nobody comes you can leave.  She looks at me like I’m crazy.

Granted, I do not do the work she does.  I would not be able to assist our customers but I know how to take a message.  And if things get really serious, we call the supervisor.  Just like anything.  I gave her this blank look and she makes this comment about how people don’t take things seriously enough.  Bitch, you don’t have any idea what I take seriously and what I don’t.  Just because I am looking at you like you’re a piece of shit doesn’t mean I don’t take the situation seriously.  Didn’t I just say that I would take over for you in the even no one shows up?  How serious is that?  If I didn’t care, I would not have responded.  Since the building is closed I could take my happy ass home, if I didn’t take it seriously.

Then like an asshole she tries to dismiss me by turning her back on me.  I don’t give a damn.  I don’t think that highly of her to have been offended.  It was just a stupid thing to do.  But people like that feel they must keep digging into a situation.  Two minutes later she comes up to me and asks me oh-so-p0litely to fix her schedule for next rotation.  Oh, after you just insulted me now you want me to do something for you?  How about I punch you in the face first?

But no, if I did that, I would be wrong.  I need to find one of those jobs where I work in a dark hole by myself.  If you know anybody that’s hiring for a such a position, please let me know so I can get my resume together.

Cubicle Death #11: Random Office Conversations

So, I’ve already talked about what you shouldn’t wear in the office, but I don’t think I’ve ever covered what you shouldn’t say in the office.

Let’s go over some random conversations I happened overhear during my meander through the hallways.

Yeah, if you would have been a good boy you would have gotten laid.
-Older frumpy woman with bad haircut and 1990s bangs

I was coming from the cafeteria when I heard that one.

Girl to co-worker as she is dialling on the phone:  Yeah, he called me a slut!
Person on phone:  [unintelligible]
Girl:  Oh, no, not you.  Wow.  I didn’t know the phone call would go through that fast.

I was sitting at my desk listening to two women talk about some guy they work with.

My wife said she wants to get breast implants, but I’m not sure if I like that.  Maybe if she gets a triple E.
-Man in stairwell

I was on my way outside for some fresh air, when I overheard this man in the stairwell talking to two other guys and some lady.  Seriously, these are three random conversations I happened upon.

Of course, there are certain conversations that don’t belong in the office, but even if your conversation is totally appropriate, you may want to consider whether you should speak at all.  Sometimes the very sound of your voice can be annoying to your co-workers.  Repeating things nonsensically or talking in an unnecessarily loud voice should be avoided at all costs.

In my office there are there offices if you understand what I’m saying.  Like I said, it’s just a huge ass room with some cubicles in it, but different sections represent different departments.  In the department across from mine is an annoying asshole who likes to repeat idiotic things over and over in an unnecessarily loud obnoxious voice.

For example:

Joran van der Sloot is verrrrrrrrrrrrrry bad.

[two minutes later]

Joran van der Sloot is verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry bad.

[one minute later]

Joran van der Sloot is reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllly bad.

[two minutes later]

The FBI is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

[a minute later]

I wanna be compensated by BP.

[two minutes later]

I want some money from BP.

[30 seconds later]

Can I get some money from BP.

One of my co-workers, a mild-mannered older gentleman turned around and said, “Why the hell is he continually repeating himself over and over?  I want him to shut up!”

We have flat screen TVs in the office with a news channel on, and you know the top stories in the news right now are Joran van der Sloot (The Natalee Holloway guy) and the BP oil spill gusher.  We already hear from the news what is going on, do we need an echo in here?  I don’t think so.

Please do not be an annoying co-worker or someone like me might blog about you and say really bad things about you like, “Please die at your earliest possible convenience.  Thanks, management.”

Daily News March 25

Today is Thursday, March 25, 2010.  It is the 84^th day of the year with 281 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1634, English colonists sent by Lord Baltimore arrived in present-day Maryland.
In 1965, Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr led 25000 marchers to the state capitol in Montgomery, Alabama to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks.

Today’s News

Would You Like Handcuffs With That?
A Connecticut man and a teenager are under arrest after they attempted to rob a bank, but only after they warned the bank they were coming.  The two would-be robbers called the bank up and told an employee to get a bag of money ready because they were on their way to rob the place.  Instead of a bag of money, the robbers found the police waiting for them ten minutes after making the call.  They were arrested and are being held on robbery and threatening charges.

Seriously?  I mean, seriously.  Why would you think that you could just call up a bank and tell them you were on your way to rob them, and they WOULDN’T do anything about it except get some bags of money ready for you?  Who would even think that?  They shouldn’t go to jail; they should just get kicked in the face and laughed at. 

Be Careful What You Ask For
A Florida man got exactly what he asked for after he tried to break back into a prison.  The man had originally gone to jail for manslaughter but was released after serving his time.  The man returned to the prison, begging to be readmitted because he feared the victim’s family would come after him.  When he was told that he would not be allowed to return, he then attempted to scale a 12 foot high barbed wire fence in an effort to get back into the jail.  He was severely injured in the attempt.  He was also arrested and sentenced to fifteen years for violating his parole. 

This is laughable on both sides of the story.  On one hand, you got a super-genius trying to get back in jail and he gets exactly what he wants after he was told, “No, you can’t come back.”  The other side is just as laughable because the guy was seriously scared something bad was going to happen to him on the outside.  He asked for help (the only type of help he knew about) but was rejected.  He tries to get back into the prison and gets 15 years.  Fifteen years.  Seriously.  He needs counseling and help relocating so he can get his life back together.  He was originally in jail for manslaughter, an accidental death.  He had been there since he was a teenager.  Do you honestly think he knew of some rational way of getting the help he needed?  But they gave him fifteen years in prison for that.  He’ll be 40 years old when he gets out, and where do you think he’ll end up after that? 

BO Only, Please, Thanks
A Detroit city employee is hoping that her office will be filled with the sweet stench of body odor rather than the heavy, cloying perfumes that have been clogging her nasal passages.  The woman has filed a lawsuit claiming that the stanky perfume of her co-worker made her so ill she could not work.  The lawsuit alleges that all scented products are discrimination against Americans with disabilities.  If she wins, then no one will be able to wear any health and beauty product with a scent.

Extreme much?  Yes, there is nothing worse than being shut up in some dreary cubicle next to your old ass co-worker whose favourite perfume is White Shoulders and cat hair.  Men’s aftershave, hairspray, and my co-worker’s lunch make me sneeze too.  Not to mention all of the chain smokers I work with, who drift into the office after every smoke break smelling like the Marlboro Man the day after he died of lung cancer.  What about all the people who don’t bathe regularly?  I propose that we all come to work wearing HAZMAT suits with personalized oxygen tanks.  There will be no more eating and drinking in the office.  In fact, remove all nearby restaurants to a safe distance because the smell of fried foods makes me nauseous.  No smoking within a 500 mile radius of the office.  Also, no parking within 5000 feet because car exhaust irritates me.   And strip all the grass and trees from the property because I get hay fever in the spring.  I need this lady to pop a Zyrtec and move on with her life.

Why You All In My Grill?
A Tennessee inmate has been awarded $95,000 after a corrections officer snatched his grill out of his mouth and left him in excruciating pain.  The man had been arrested for not paying child support.  During in-processing at the jail he was told to remove the jewellery from his teeth but he informed the guard that the grill had been cemented in his mouth years ago.  The officer then reached in and yanked the grill out by force. Cement and enamel from the four front teeth was also stripped in the process.  The man complained that he was in pain but he was denied medical treatment for more than a week.  The officer responsible for the incident has been demoted and suspended without pay.

 

The good thing is that the man will be able to get a new grill and pay his child support at the same time.  How cool is that?

Dearly Departed Passenger
A funeral director was shocked to find that the minivan used to transport the recently deceased to their final destinations had been towed from the parking space directly in front of the funeral home.  The funeral director stated that the placard that indicated what type of vehicle the van was must have fallen flat in the windshield.  An NYPD parking enforcement officer simply saw a van illegally parked.  Because the van’s windows were tinted so darkly, he could not tell there was a body in the back of the van.  The funeral director was supposed to deliver the body to Miami where it would be buried, but he had run inside the funeral home for a few minutes.  In that time, the van and the body was towed and sent to the impound lot.  He was able to retrieve the body in time for it to make the flight to Miami.

It’s lucky he figured the van had been towed rather than stolen, because then how would he explain to the loved ones that he had no idea where the body of their family member disappeared to?  I can imagine this guy running around town looking for a dead body in the back of a van.

Today’s Thought

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.  –Andre Gide

Cubicle Death #10

Lately, I’ve been a lot more chummy at work than I normally am.  Having my learned my lesson from working on the plantation–I mean, TSA, I have since taken a very “Swiss approach” to things.  I sit in the corner, pretending I don’t exist whilst proclaiming to be very neutral about everything.  I try hard not to make friends or enemies.  I just don’t want to talk to anybody.  I don’t even want anybody to know my name. 

This was kind of difficult at First Job After TSA because it was customer-service oriented.  Second Job After TSA was easier to be unnoticeable.  Third Job After TSA I didn’t even start warming up to my co-workers until two weeks before I qut.  Now, I’m six months into the job at Fourth Job After TSA, and I’m finally starting to learn some of my co-workers’ names. 

In my last Cubicle Death blog, I introduced you to some of my stranger co-workers.  These guys are gads smarter than I’ll ever be, but their personalities leaves much to be desired, as it does with most people of singular intelligence.  Not to say they’re assholes or anything like that, they’re just… weird.

Creepy Stare At You From Over the Cubicle Wall Guy has been flirting with me in this bizarre manner.  Never mind the fact that he’s about 25 years older than me, but he also hints that he’s gay.  If he is gay, then why does he turn on the Super Wal-Mart Salesman Charm every time I see him?  Then he lingers by my desk when I’m actually trying to work.  He tells me repeatedly that I’m his hero and he wants to be like me when he grows up.  Uhm, okay?  Today, he showed up at my desk with a Lean Cuisine and asked me if I was going out to lunch.  When I told him I didn’t eat out to lunch on Fridays because I always have dinner out instead, he walked away a little bit disgruntled, but came back to my desk six more times trying to convince me that it would be a great day to have Thai food.  I handed him the menu but he was like, “I wanted to go out to eat.”  I may go out and buy food a lot, but I don’t actually sit in the restaurant when I order out to lunch.  The only time I ever do that is with SF and this 6’4 knock-kneed, gap-toothed behemoth doesn’t look anything like she does.

I guess I’m kind of cranky today because I didn’t get to have my early morning nap.  On days that I come to work early, I have myself a 15 minute power nap at my desk just to get charged up for the work day.  The guys in my office like to come in late.  Most of them don’t arrive until 9.  There’s only one guy who beats me into the office, Mr. I Have A Body Function Control Problem.  Seriously, this guy cannot control his bodily functions.  First, he breathes like he’s drowning.  He sucks in his breath, holds it, and then lets it out in this great big whoosh and then sucks the air back up like he’s been in outer space without a space suit.  And he does this quite rhythmically.  For breakfast he has several pieces of fruit:  some pears, an apple and a few bananas, all of which he slurps and smacks up.  I think he eats too fast because about 15 minutes later he’ll start belching and farting.

Seriously. 

And they aren’t delicate belches.  It’s like BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRPPPPPPP!  and then he’ll pass gas at the same time and then say “excuse me,” like he’s surprised it came out, yet he does it almost every morning!  What is wrong with you!  That is the reason I couldn’t have a nap because his rhapsody of bodily functions was particularly loud this morning.  And then just when I was getting settled down, here comes I Like the Sound of My Own Voice and I’ll Just Shout Down the Telephone So Everyone Can Hear How Poorly I Speak Guy. 

Oh, my God, seriously.  It is insane.  The other day I was in a meeting with this guy and he had to give a presentation.  He really likes listening to himself speak but he doesn’t actually speak very well.  He has a lot of “uhm….,” “ehh,” and “you know…” and then he’s the type to laugh as if he’s said something horribly funny, but it isn’t a full laugh, it’s more like a stifled chuckle like he’s bemused at his own lack of intelligence.  This guy comes into the office a little earlier than he normally does and he makes a phone call.  At that hour of the morning, around 745, there’s only me and Body Functions Guy.  I Love My Own Voice calls up his colleague and has this unnecessarily loud telephone conversation for about 45 minutes.  But the crazy thing is as more and more people started coming into the office, his voice actually got quieter.  I’m thinking to myself, there were two people in this office who were working in relative quiet for the past hour (despite the punctuation of farts and burps) , don’t you think we would appreciate the continued silence!?  Thanks.

I’m also getting to know Strange Foreign Man Who Has Poor Command of English.  I guess he’s bored or something, and he’s been wandering around the office staring over people’s shoulders as they work.  He started talking to me the other day; and it’s really quit sad because I can’t understand a word he’s saying.  I just smile and nod and hope he’ll go away.  Yesterday he told me that if he were president he wouldn’t allow anybody to own guns.  Then he said he would bomb all of Afghanistan so he could kill the bad guys.  When I asked him about the good people, the innocent children that would be in the way, he said, “Oh, yeah… Uh, I don’t know.” 

Yeah….

We started talking about politics and stuff because the conversation had taken a very heavy toll yesterday.  We started talking about funerals and final wishes.  I went to a funeral yesterday and it seemed kind of… I don’t know.  Anyway, I said that before we all die we should make sure that our final wishes are granted.  My immediate co-worker Mr Personality So Funny Ha-Ha said that when he died he wanted his stomach turned into a mint bowl. He also wouldn’t mind having a bowl of chips and dip placed in his hand.  He said his would be the only funeral where the attendees would receive bats and they could take turns beating the corpse after the eulogy, just to get out any frustration.  After the beating of the corpse, he would be wrapped in Saran and shot out of a canon.

These are the people I work with.