Daily News November 2

Today is Tuesday, November 2.  It is the 306^th day of the year with 59 to go.

Today’s History

In 1889, North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39^th and 40^th states.
In 1948, Harry S. Truman won the presidency in a surprising victory over Republican challenger Thomas E. Dewey.

Today’s News

All Tricks No Treat
A 17 year old Atlanta boy is dead after he egged a Mercedes on Halloween night.  The boy was out goofing off with friends when they decided to egg cars passing on their block.  The owner of the Mercedes got out of the car and fired 10 shots at the boy, hitting him in the head and neck as he tried to run away.  The owner of the Mercedes then tried to flee the scene but was later captured by police.  The boy died on the way to the hospital.

Sometimes stuff is funny and then sometimes it isn’t.  Egging a car is a harmless prank but these days people get so worked up over everything.  I’m not saying that the boy was right for vandalizing someone’s property, but really, egging a car (that can be washed) versus getting shot in the neck?  Somehow the two don’t equate.

More Tricks Still No Treat
A newlywed Atlanta woman is dead after a Halloween party.  Atlanta police were called and notified of shots fired.  When they arrived they found the woman dead of multiple gunshot wounds.  Later police received a report of a naked man wandering through a park.  The man turned out to be the woman’s brand new husband.  After some questioning, the man was charged with the woman’s murder; however, there is no motive at this time.

Well, this is a little bizarre.  You just got married and then you decide to kill your wife then wander around the neighbourhood butt ass naked.  Maybe he was setting up his psychiatric defense, or maybe he really is crazy.  Maybe he had a problem with her going to a Hallowe’en party and not inviting him.  I know I shouldn’t make fun of it, but these new stories never really give you all the information so sometimes you just have to make up your own conclusion.

Here’s Your Treat
Maryland State Police arrested a man Halloween night because he was wearing nothing but a diaper and cursing at people while he trick-or-treated.  The man was said to be cursing at children and adults in an attempt to get them candy.  No word on if he was drunk or high at the time, or just mentally ill.

And they didn’t say why he had on a diaper.  Was he posing as a baby for Halloween?  Or was the diaper part of his lunatic costume?

Who Said Civility Is Dead?
North Carolina police have arrested two men after they burgled a home and robbed the family of $5000 worth of electronics and other goods.  The super geniuses had the nerve to leave several thank you notes.  One note simply said:  “Thanks,” and another note said, “Thanks.  We love the stuff we got.”  These morons, who already had criminal records, were found from their fingerprints on the thank you notes.  Among the stolen items were a box of corn dogs, some chicken and beer.

What can even be said about such stupidity?  Nothing.  Moving on.

Congratulations, It’s Illegal Drugs!
Cincinnati prison guards discovered that one of their pregnant inmates wasn’t just carrying a baby, but something else as well.  The woman was being prepped for a Cesarean section when nurses discovered 15 pills stuff up her vagina.  The woman was arrested the day before for stealing a computer from Wal-Mart.  Generally, this particular prison does not do routine cavity searches.

Hmm, so unless you are incapacitated, wouldn’t you be like, “Uh, before we get started, can I go to the bathroom?” so you can get rid of the stuff you have packed up your cooch?  This is all quite bizarre.  You’re about to have a baby and you know what part of the body that includes, right?  Right?  I hope.  Apparently not because they found the drugs anyway.  I mean, just because you are having a Cesarean, that doesn’t mean anything.  But you know what, let’s forget about that for a moment, was she actually planning on USING the pills she had up there????

Brother, Can You Give Me a Ride?
California police are searching for a man who robbed a bank and then ran out into the street asking people for a getaway ride.  The man entered a bank and demanded $20 and $100 bills from the teller.  When she failed to move as quickly as he wanted, he jumped up on the counter and snatched the money from her.  He then ran out onto the street and he realized that he had no way of getting away from the robbery, so he offered $1000 to anybody who would help him escape to Santa Cruz.

Apparently he was able to get someone to take him up on the offer because police are still searching for the man.  They have no idea where he is.  What kind of genius sets up a bank robbery but then doesn’t set up a way to get out?

Today’s Thought

The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.  –Anonymous

Daily News October 29

Today is Friday, October 29.  It is the 302^nd day of the year with 63 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1929, Wall Street crashed on Black Tuesday, the start of the Great Depression.

Today’s News

Passing Stones
Indian police have arrested a man after an anonymous tip suggesting that the man would attempt to smuggle diamonds.  Although the tip was very vague, police caught the guy after he landed in India.  They searched his person and his luggage but found no evidence of diamonds until someone noticed how uncomfortable he seemed.  The man claimed that he had hemorrhoids.  They took him to a doctor to be examined.  They didn’t find any hemorrhoids but an X-ray revealed that the man had diamonds in his stomach.  They fed him laxatives and approximately six hours later, he passed several diamonds worth $337K and $674K.  The man admitted that he was a frequent human courier.  He would swallow up to 50 condoms filled with diamonds and get paid approximately $225.

That’s it?  You carrying around more than half a million dollars worth of diamonds in your gut and all you get is $225?  Haha.  I’m sure the man is worried about family back home, but I would take the diamonds and skip town, crap them out somewhere and live like a princess on my own private island.  The things people do for money.  But oddly, I’m surprised human diamond couriers don’t get seriously injured.  I’ve heard about drug mules that swallow the drugs and sometimes they overdose when the condoms or balloons bust open, but diamonds are the hardest substance on earth.  Wouldn’t they cut through the condom and start cutting up your inside if you make too many odd movements?  Somehow $225 is not enough money for this occupational hazard.

Have You Had Your Lawsuit Today?
A Brazilian man who worked for McDonald’s for 12 years has sued the restaurant chain claiming that he got fat while working there.  The man, a manager, said he felt compelled to taste the food everyday in order to ensure quality standards.  He said mystery clients would visit the restaurant to test for food, service and cleanliness.  He said in order to meet those standards, he had to eat everything.  He also said that McDonald’s offered employees free lunches.  He gained 65 pounds while working there.  The Brazilian court has awarded him $17,500.

This is completely lame.  I am quite sure he did gain the weight by eating McDonald’s food for 12 years, but is there really a way they could prove it?  He could have also been going home and shoving Krispy Kreme donuts in his stomach.  Since he was “tasting” the food everyday and eating the free lunch everyday, did he even bother to exercise at all?  Just because it is free doesn’t mean you have to take it.  And tasting food doesn’t require you to eat everything.  Some people fail to take responsibility for their own mistakes.  Anyway, all he got was $17,500 which doesn’t even pay for gastric bypass.

Speaking of Lawsuits
A judge in Manhattan has decided that a 4 year old little girl can be held liable in a lawsuit.  This whole situation began when the 4 year old girl and a 4 year old boy were outside racing their bikes with training wheels on the sidewalk.  While they were racing, an old lady was coming down the sidewalk and the two kids accidentally ran into her.  The old lady fell and was “seriously and severely injured.”  She had to have hip surgery and she died 3 weeks later.  Both of the kids’ parents were present at the time of the incident.  The old lady’s family is suing the two kids for negligence.  According to the judge, children under 4 are incapable of negligence, but children over 4 can be negligent.  The little girl was three months shy of her fifth birthday at the time of the incident.  The judge said that the kids engaged in risky behavior.  Just because the parents were present doesn’t make any difference since the parents were only supervising and not encouraging the children.  The judge said that any “reasonably prudent child” would not engage in risky behavior whether or not a parent was present.  If the parents had encouraged their behavior then the parents would have been sued, but since the parents were only supervising, then the kids are eligible to be sued.

And you wonder why this country is going into the toilet.  Seriously?  Seriously.  A 4 year old is a reasonably prudent child?  Has anybody ever heard of anything called an accident?  Two small kids riding on their bikes with TRAINING WHEELS are having a good time and they accidentally run into an old lady.  First of all, why didn’t old lady try to get out of the way?  If you see two small kids barreling towards you on some bikes, common sense would tell you to get out of the way.  Yeah, the kids SHOULD stop but if you’re an adult and they are 4 years old, who do you think should make the command decision? I would feel differently if the kids were 16, or even 8 years old, but 4?  That’s just ridiculous.   I wonder what the family of the old lady hopes to gain by suing 4 year olds?  Well, they’re five now, but still.  It is unfortunate that this happened, that the old lady died as a result of her injuries, but the kids did not have malicious intent.  It was an accident, a terrible accident.

I Now Pronounce You Swine and Wife
Two hotel workers from the Maldives have been arrested after they were caught taunting a couple during their marriage ceremony.  The unknown couple, who may be French or Swiss, were renewing their vows on the island and had a foreign wedding officiator.  Instead of reciting typical marriage vows, the officiator said, “Your marriage is not valid.  You are an infidel.  You are an atheist.  Your children are bastards.  You are swine.”  The officiator was speaking in another language and the couple was smiling happily because they thought he w as giving them the marriage vows.  Someone recorded the wedding and someone else made the translation that the officiator was not reciting the correct words, but really cussing them out at their wedding ceremony.

That is so messed up!  First of all, why would you have a wedding in a language you don’t even know?  You can’t really repeat vows in another language and you have no idea what you’re even saying.  This man was calling them infidels, pigs, calling their children bastards and they were just standing there smiling at each other, so in love, while they were being clowned.  The Maldives is a popular resort destination.  People spend a lot of money to get there and to stay in the luxurious hotels there.  So you pay all that money for someone to cuss you out at your own wedding.  And that’s how you’ll remember one of the most important days of your life:  a swine infidel with children who are bastards.

Today’s Thought

Numerous politicians have seized power and muzzled the press.  Never in history has the press seized absolute power and muzzled the politicians.  ~David Brinkley

Daily News October 22

Today is Friday, October 22.  It is the 295^th day of the year with 70 days to go. 

Today’s History

In 1747, Princeton University was first chartered as the College of New Jersey.
In 1968, Apollo 7 returned safely from Earth orbit, splashing down in the Atlantic Ocean.

Today’s News

Driven to Death
Police are investigating a woman who has been driving around with a dead body in her car for the past three to 10 months.  The woman accidentally left her car blocking a driveway and when police came to look into the situation they saw the leg of a corpse sticking out from under a pile of clothing.  They broke into the car and found the body of a woman who had been dead for several months along with several boxes of baking soda, apparently used to hide the smell.  The owner of the car stated that the dead woman was homeless and her friend.  She had given the homeless woman permission to sleep in the car and one night she came back to find that the woman had died.  She feared being blamed for the situation so she just drove around with the dead body in the front seat.  The cause of death is still being determined but at this time there are no signs of foul play.

People are always so irrational.  I can understand not wanting to be blamed for anything, but if you honestly did not do anything then stop stressing.  If the homeless woman died of natural causes the police are going to be able to tell.  That is why they do autopsies.  They can tell the difference between someone getting their head bashed in and someone having a heart attack.  It makes no sense whatsoever that you would drive around with a dead body in your car for almost ten months simply because you were scared of what would happen. 

You Say Public, I Saw Pubic
So let’s call the whole thing off.  A billboard in South Bend, Indiana is being laughed at after a resident noticed a horrible misspelled word.  The billboard was supposed to be touting the area’s superior school district but ended up an advert on how some people need to get back to school IMMEDIATELY.  The sign was supposed to say, “15 best things about our public schools,” but one little letter was left off so the sign said, “15 best things about our PUBIC schools.”  The guy who made the billboard said he is dreadfully sorry.

He will also be re-enrolling in a public, I mean, pubic school, as soon as possible.  I guess he thought that spell check would take care of that.

Party Entertainment
Fifteen people were injured and 75 people were arrested at a party intended for a 3 year old girl.  Approximately 150 people showed up to the girl’s birthday party held at a hall for the Fraternal Order of Eagles when a fight broke out between the girl’s father and the mother’s new boyfriend.  When police arrived on the scene, the situation was so out of control that they had to wait for additional backup before they could enter the hall to restore order.  Beer bottles were thrown and the people used the hall’s chairs to attack each other. 

I need to understand why there were 150 people in attendance at a party for a 3 year old?  If it’s like this now, imagine what her sweet 16 will be like.  Secondly, why are you serving alcohol at a party for a toddler?  Police say there were at least 30 children present, so you got 120 adults and 30 children at a party for a 3 year old.  What is wrong with this picture?

Don’t Mess with Elmo
A Florida man has been arrested and scheduled for a psych evaluation after he tried to attack another man dressed as Elmo.  Elmo was hanging out at a record store when another man entered and began attacking the customers.  When he attempted to beat up Elmo, Elmo broke two of his fingers.  The man has been arrested.

Some things just don’t make no sense.  There was a children’s event going on in the record store, and this crazy man just comes in and starts fighting all the customers?  Who let him out of the psych ward?

Scammed
If an offer seems too good to be true, it probably is, as one Tennessee man found out recently.  He saw an ad on Craiglist supposedly from an owner selling his business.  Since he had just lost his own business in a terrible flood, he figured this was a good way to turn around.  He met with the man and agreed to buy his hot dog selling business next to a college campus.  They agreed on a price of $25,000.  Of course, he wanted some paperwork but the other guy kept telling him that the computer was broken and that he couldn’t access the paperwork.  Shoving it to the back of his mind, the man opened up his newly owned hot dog business and got to work.  He was doing real well when the REAL owner of the hot dog business showed up.  Of course, he wanted his store back so the first guy had to get out.  Now he’s out of a business and $25000.  And he can’t find the man who scammed him.

Why this was even considered news is beyond me.  I don’t feel sorry for the guy at all.  He never got any paperwork.  It’s not like he was scammed with some fake papers. He never got ANYTHING.  He just handed over $25000.  No receipt.  No deeds.  Nothing from a bank.  Nothing.  Who does that?  And from Craigslist!  Everybody knows that Craigslist is half scam.  So sad.

Today’s Thought

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.  ~James Thurber

Daily News July 28

Today is Wednesday, July 28, 2010.  It is the 209^th day of the year with 156 to go.

Today’s History

In 1914, World War I began as Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia.

Today’s News

Carjacking or Jacking Off, Which Is it?
A New Jersey woman will face charges after she admitted to the police officers what really happened to her vehicle.  The woman called 911 and said that she had been carjacked.  She claimed that she was lost and stopped a man on the street to ask for directions.  The man then allegedly pulled her out of the car at gunpoint and threw her to the ground.  After some investigation, the woman admitted that she did indeed stop the man, but not to ask for directions but for sex.  She picked him up and while they were having sex in the car while she was driving, the car crashed.  The couple also set the car on fire to cover up the evidence.

I sometimes wonder why people lie.  I know they want to get out of trouble, but sometimes a lie is just so ridiculous that it’s just better to go ahead and admit the truth because when it comes out, it’s like… why?  Why?

Flower Power
NYPD are looking for a man who allegedly robbed a bank with a bouquet of flowers instead of a gun.  The man walked into a bank in downtown Manhattan with a huge bouquet of flowers.  He approached a teller and pulled a note from the flowers that read, “Don’t be a hero.  Give me all yours 100s and 50s.”  The teller gave him $400 and a dye pack.  He has already robbed another bank using the same method, but instead of flowers he brought a potted plant.

Well, if they do manage to catch him they can’t charge him with armed robbery.  I guess that’s kind of smart.  Even though he isn’t getting away with much money.  I wouldn’t go through the trouble of robbing a bank only to come out with $400 and some dye staining all my clothes.  The people who witnessed the robbery said that he looked nervous and they thought he was about to propose.  LMAO. 

Taser For Teacher
Two Georgia police officers have been removed from the force after they tasered a woman who called 911 for help.  The woman, a third grade teacher, called the police to report a prowler n her property.  While she waited for police, she contacted a male friend to wait with her.  When police arrived, the woman and her friend were waiting.  According to the woman, the cops demanded to know the identity of the man at her house.  The police assumed the issue was domestic violence.  The police told her that if she did not give the friend’s name they would arrest her for obstruction.  The woman went to get her purse and the police said they were arresting her.  According to the report, the police stated that the woman put her hands up and the officer grabbed her arm and put a handcuff on it.  The woman pulled away and ran.  They chased her and pepper sprayed her.  They were able to handcuff her and put her in the car.  He failed to mention that he tasered her several times while in the house and then did so again while she was handcuffed in the back of the car.  The woman continuously begged for him to stop.  An additional investigation states it’s likely that he tased the woman three or four times, for at least six seconds each.  He tased her so much that he even shocked himself.  Two officers were involved in the situation.  The one who tased her has resigned and the other who used the pepper spray was fired. 

SMH.

I’ll Give You My iPhone If You Give Me Your Porsche
A California teen wanted a Porsche, but all he had was an old cell phone.  Figuring he had to start somewhere, he traded the old cell phone for a better cell phone, then traded that for an iPod Touch.  He decided to trade the iPod for a dirt bike then traded that dirt bike for another one of better value.  He turned the expensive dirt bike into a MacBook Pro and then somehow turned that into a Toyota 4Runner.  Since he was only 15, he couldn’t drive the 4Runner, so he traded the truck in for a fancy golf cart.  Then another dirt bike.  A street bike.  Several cars.  He eventually ended up with a sweet 1975 Ford Bronco, which he in turn traded for a 2000 Porsche Boxster S convertible.  The kid said he spent a lot of time doing research to see if his trades were good values, but he is likely to trade the Porsche soon because he recently lost his job and can no longer afford the gas.

I need a new car.  I have an old CD player.  Anybody want to trade that for an Infiniti G35?  Email me!

The Force Strikes Bank
In addition to Luke Skywalker, New York police are looking for Darth Vader on allegations that he robbed a bank in Long Island.  Bank video footage shows a man dressed in a Darth Vader costume entering a bank with a handgun.  He pointed it at a teller and demanded money. 

 The mortgage on the Death Star is due.  Darth Vader has obviously fallen on hard times since he is reduced to robbing banks, instead of destroying star systems.  He had to pawn his light saber for a gun.  I guess with the note on the X-Wing he destroyed and child support on Luke and Leia has him calling on desperate measures.  I find his lack of faith disturbing.  But seriously though, whoever this guy is, he better stay well-hidden.  Not only will he have to go to jail for robbing a bank, but he might very well get sued by George Lucas for copyright infringement.

Today’s Thought

It is impossible to write ancient history because we lack source materials, and impossible to write modern history because we have far too many.  –Charles Peguy

Daily News July 12

Today is Monday, July 12.  It is the 193^rd day of the year with 172 to go.

Today’s History

In 1543, King Henry VIII married his sixth wife Catherine Parr
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill authorizing the Medal of Honour.

Today’s News

Cut the Mullet
The Ayatollah has spoken:  You’ve got to cut the mullet.  The Iranian government has decided to crack down on certain hairstyles they consider offensive.  Among the newly banned haircuts are the Steven Seagal ponytail, the 1980s Prince haircut and the “business in the front, party in the back” mullet.  Iran recently held a Hijab and Chastity Festival, a fashion event designed to show that Iranians can be fashionable without having the fashion police called upon them.  The committee revealed several “approved” hairstyles for men (because girls have to cover their heads) that are based on the shape of neck, beard, the size of the chin and provincial features (whatever that means).  Most Iranians probably won’t let go of the mullet, but given how excited the police get over women wearing white socks, they may want to reconsider.

Sometimes things are just too ridiculous to be believed.  “Approved hairstyles?”  Who sits down and dreams up an approved hairstyle?  But I guess I can understand where the ayatollahs are coming from.  Are you really attracted by someone’s nappy wheat sack hanging off the back of their head?  As Wesley Willis used to sing, “cut the mullet.”

A Crushing Escape
A federal inmate, serving time in an El Paso jail, has been found crushed to death in a landfill.  Apparently, the inmate, who probably works for a Mexican drug cartel, escaped from the jail by hiding in one of the giant dumpsters used to haul away waste from the jail.  He managed to slip past several guards and security cameras because the jail switched from taking the trash out in cans to using dumpsters and they had not updated their security measures to accommodate for the change.  When trash is taken to the landfill, it is crushed, which is where he died.  No other inmates have attempted to escape through the trash.

That’s pretty sad.  But you know what this article doesn’t say:  it doesn’t say how they discovered him missing.  I bet they didn’t even know he was gone until someone from the landfill called to say the found a body wearing a county jail outfit.  That’s a way to go though, getting thrown out with the trash.

Kids Killing Kids
A 9 year old California boy shot his two year old brother while they played with a gun.  The two boys were unattended when they found a loaded weapon in their family home.  The 9 year old accidentally shot the 2 year old in the torso.  The boy was pronounced dead later at a hospital.  The Los Angeles police say that no charges will be filed.

…which I think is a travesty.  The parents should be charged with something.  I thought there were laws in place that required gun owners with children to lock up their weapons.  You should have trigger locks or a gun safe, both of which are largely tamper proof if used correctly.  Putting the parents in jail won’t bring the boy back, but maybe it will teach them responsible gun ownership.  I hate hearing stories like these because some people think that we should tighten gun laws, make it harder for people to own.  No, that’s not the solution.  The solution is to pay attention to your children and if you have guns in your home, they shouldn’t be sitting on the kitchen counter for someone to mess with.

Barefoot Bandit Bagged
This just in:  The barefoot bandit has been bagged by the Bahamas boys.  Say that ten times fast, and I bet Colton Harris-Moore is saying it as well.  This kid, only 19, has been in the trouble with the law since he was 13 years old.  He is responsible for stealing cars, boats and airplanes from one end of the US to the next.  He was nicknamed Barefoot Bandit because he would break into people’s homes, steal negligible items and then leave chalky footprints on their property.  He stole several aircraft and boats from his hometown in Oregon, and managed to elude police the entire time.  He somehow made it to the Midwest where he stole another plane and flew down to the Bahamas.  He is being blamed for thefts in Oregon; Washington, Idaho; British Columbia, Canada and the Bahamas.  Police say the arrest in the Bahamas involved a high-speed boat chase like something out of the movies.  True to his nickname, when he was arrested, he was barefoot.

The Barefoot Bandit Bagged in Bahamas

Not that I condone criminal behaviour, for some reason I guess this kid is kind of romanticized.  He has a huge following on Facebook and people started wearing T-shirts that said, “Run, Colton Run.”  I thought it was interesting to follow him and I kind of wanted him to get away.  I know he’s caused a lot of financial stress to a lot of people, with him jacking their boats and airplanes, those shits are not cheap, but still, he wasn’t really hurting anybody, not like a murderer or something so I thought it was funny.  Those people aren’t laughing, but he did get caught.  I hope they make a movie out of it and I want to know why he did it.  He didn’t sell any of the crap he stole.  He didn’t even keep it.  He would just take somebody’s car for a ride, hop in a boat to get some place and then leave it where ever.  What’s his motivation?  I want to find out more.

Today’s Thought

The tragedy is not that things are broken.  The tragedy is that they are not mended again.  –Alan Paton

Daily News June 25

Today is Friday, June 25, 2010.  It is the 176^th day of the year with 189 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1788, Virginia ratified the U. S. Constitution
In 1950, the war between the Koreas began.
In 2009, Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, died in Los Angeles

Today’s News

Parents of the Year
A California couple will face charges of child endangerment after they attempted to sell their baby for $25 at Wal-Mart.  The couple allegedly approached two women at the Wal-Mart and asked if they would like to purchase the child.  The women told police they thought the mother was joking but realized she was serious when she became insistent.  The women reported the incident to the police.  The couple ran off but police were able to track them down at their home later that evening.  The couple was high of meth, and the house was disgusting, according to reports.  The mother admitted that she breast fed the baby while under the influence of drugs.

Attempted to Sell Her Baby at Wal-Mart

That’s all they asked for $25?  They must have been truly messed up.  You know the going rate for a baby is at least a G and a box of animal crackers.  Seriously, all jokes aside, I will once again point out that anybody is allowed to have a baby.  The only time you get your kids taken away is AFTER you’ve already abused them.  And then just because you get that kid taken away don’t mean that you can’t have another one, and they won’t take the new one away until you mess that one up too.  What kind of world do we live in?

Getting Away From It All
A Florida man has been rescued by the Coast Guard after he floated almost a mile away from the coastline on a pool float.  The man was very drunk and unconscious when rescue workers found him.  Apparently, he’d been lounging on the beach on a pool float when the tide picked him up and carried him out to sea.  Coast Guard officials say that the man is lucky because if the tides and current had been slightly different, no one would have ever seen him again.

How do we know the man wasn’t trying to emigrate out the country?  Every year, thousands of people risk their lives floating here from everywhere.  How do we know he wasn’t trying to float out of here?

Must Be Crazy
A woman in Utah is undergoing a psychiatric evaluation after she stole two cars and led police on a wild goose chase while completely naked.  The woman was already naked when she was caught driving her own car erratically.  When police stopped her, she jumped out of her car and into someone else’s car and drove off.  The woman wrecked the car, jumped out and ran through sagebrush, a very prickly, scratchy bush.  Police called for backup and when they arrived, the woman charged at them and jumped into a police cruiser.  She rammed the police car into a gate and kept driving, until she was in yet another accident.  She was supposed to make a left turn and instead, went sailing off an exit ramp.  The car landed so hard that the body’s frame was bent.  The police ended up having to Taser the woman while she attempted to scale a chain-link fence.  Police say she was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol and did not appear to be involved with any crime at the time.

I don’t have to give this woman a psych eval to tell you she’s crazy.  First of all, she was butt ass nekkid in her car, then she stole someone else’s car, ran through some bushes and jacked a police car and then tried to climb over a chain link fence.  Just the fact that she managed to get into TWO accidents in one day and was not even slightly injured tells you that she is either an alien from another planet or she’s crazy.  Crazy people somehow never manage to get injured doing things that other people will.

Not the Kids This Time
Two adult women have been arrested following a brawl that broke out at a kindergarten graduation in California.  The fight involved 20 other adults.  The school is now on lockdown after several mothers got into an argument near the graduation ceremony.  When men jumped into the fight, it soon turned into a brawl.  At this time, authorities do not know what started the fight, but more arrests are coming.  No injuries were reported.

Apparently, they were fighting over whose kid is the coolest.  I wonder what the kids thought of this whole incident.  You’re five years old at your kindergarten graduation and your mommy gets arrested.  Great way to start off your education, kid.  I wonder how she’ll act at your high school graduation. Probably set the place on fire.

One For the Road
A New Zealand man decided he might as well have another beer while he waited for authorities to come rescue him after he wrecked his car in a drunk driving accident.  The man was already over the limit when he overturned his car and crashed through a wooden barrier.  When he realized that the doors had bent shut and he could not open them, he called emergency services on his cell phone and opened another can of beer.  Rescue workers found him relaxing inside the car with his beer.  He told authorities that he went on a drinking binge because he’d just been fired from his job and then he found out that his father was diagnoses with prostate cancer.  The man has pled guilty to careless driving and drunk driving charges.

I guess it’s in for a penny, in for a pound, as they say.  He was like, “F— it.  I’m already drunk, what’s one more beer gonna do?”

Today’s Thought

Fame will go by and, so long, I’ve had you, Fame.  If it goes by, I’ve always known it was fickle.  So at least it’s something I experience, but that’s not where I live. –Marilyn Monroe

Daily News 6/18

Today is Friday, June 18.  It is the 169^th day of the year with 196 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1812, the United States declared war against Britain.
In 1815, Napoleon Bonaparte met his Waterloo, as British and Prussian troops defeated the French in Belgium.
In 1983, Sally Ride became the first American woman in space.

Just Doing My Part
An American citizen, not associated with any government or military, was detained near the Pakistani border after he claimed that he was looking for Osama bin Laden.  The man had a pistol, a sword, night vision goggles and Christian religious books. He was trying to cross into Afghanistan when he was stopped.  He told authorities that he’d been to the area several times since 9/11 looking for Osama bin Laden and that he had no intention of trying to kill him.

Yeah, okay, he wasn’t really trying to kill him.  There is a reward for $50 million for the one who turns Osama ben Laden in, dead or alive.  If I had any sense I’d be out there looking for him too.

The Biggest Gainer
A New Jersey woman has decided that she doesn’t want to be the Biggest Loser, but the Biggest Gainer.  She is attempting to eat her way to 1000lbs.  Currently, the 42 year old woman weighs more than 600 pounds.  You can visit supersizedbombshells.com where she models as a super plus sized model.  Also on the website are videos of her eating greasy food and attempting to walk to her car.  The woman, who wears XXXXXL size clothing, says she loves the attention and wants to be a spokeswoman for big women everywhere.  She wants them to know that size doesn’t matter and that they can lead a happy life.  She currently has two children and will be getting married next year in Hawaii.  She says she is very healthy and doesn’t believe that her weight will cause medical problems, even though she does have Type 2 diabetes.  Her fiancé says he finds her very sexy.

I’m all for healthy self-esteem no matter what size you are.  Some people equate being thin with being happy and beautiful, and that’s not always the case.  Some also equate being thin with being healthy, and that ain’t necessarily true either.  No matter what size you are, you need to feel good about yourself and try to be the healthiest you can.  Being 1000 pounds is not healthy and I don’t give a damn what this woman says.  She is not happy; that is why she wants the attention.  She figures being a little bit fat isn’t that special so she’ll just be a whole lotta fat and maybe someone will love her.  Her lame excuse that her heart is just fine pales to the fact that she can barely walk two steps away from her couch.  She can’t even go outside and play with her kids but she wants to be a spokesperson for fat women everywhere.  Okay.  You’re going about it the wrong way.  You’ll get plenty of attention when they have to forklift your dead carcass over to a landfill to bury you when you die of obesity-related diseases.

Your Own Thief
A Georgia man has been arrested after he was found driving the car he claimed someone had stolen.  The man called police to say the motel room he was staying in had been broken into and his keys stolen.  He said that his 2001 Acura Integra had been stolen.  Police put out an APB for the car and soon discovered the car being driven in another part of town.  When they pulled over the driver of the car, they discovered that the thief was actually the man who owned the car.  Police discovered that he was under the influence of alcohol and arrested him.  The man claimed the reason he reported the car stolen was because a friend had borrowed the car and failed to return it.

See why shouldn’t drink and drive?  You just end up looking like an asshole, and there’s really no hope for you.

Crazy For Cakesters
Florida police are searching for a man who broke into a dollar store and stole nothing but a box of Oreo  cakesters.  A surveillance video shows a man breaking through a glass door and then rummaging around in the store.  A few minutes later, the man leaves with the box of Oreo Cakesters, valued at $2.50.  No other items were reported missing.

I’ve had cakesters and they aren’t that great to be busting up in to a dollar store.  Is it that serious that this guy didn’t have $2.99 or however much it costs to go to the store and buy some?  Or maybe he did have the money and the store was just closed and now he’s having some kind of withdrawal and that’s what made him bust the store open.  Where do they get these people?

Don’t Feed the Bums
San Diego store owners have put signs in their storefront windows saying, “Don’t Feed the Bums.”  It’s a little joke from the National Park Service slogan “Don’t feed the bears.”  San Diego shop owners on the beach say that the “bums” hanging around are damaging their businesses and harassing customers.  “Don’t Feed the Bums” isn’t meant for that typical bum you think of, the Vietnam vet suffering from Agent Orange, but a new generation of bums:  young, aggressive panhandlers who don’t want to work and would rather just beg for money instead.  One such bum said, “Everything I’ve ever had in the material world failed me miserably.  Honestly, I’ve never been happier.”  Police say most of the new bums are young adults with cell phones, coming from wealthy families.  There have also been reports of violence against those who did not give the bums money.

This is precisely why I do not give money to any one at all.  I can never tell if someone is truly in need of my help or if they are just bullshitting me.  I saw on Dateline a few years ago, this woman was recording her child’s birthday party and just so happened to capture one of these so-called bums on tape.  This fool stood outside all day long begging for change and then went around the corner and hopped in an Escalade.  The woman submitted the tape to Dateline and they tracked the man down using his license plate number.  He lived in a very wealthy suburb in Orange County, California.  He owned three cars and had a gigantic pool in the back yard.  They interviewed him and his wife, who was sitting there in her Tiffany and Prada, and the man said, “If people are going to give me the money, why shouldn’t I take it?”  He said he gets enough to pay the note on his truck and the Mercedes his daughter drives at college.  After I saw that, I never gave a brown penny to anybody ever again.  There are real people who do need help but you can help in other ways.  When I see bums, I give them food.  This is a good indication if they really need it or not.  If they accept the food and eat it, they are grateful and need your help.  If they get pissed and start cussing at you, yeah, they don’t need shit but a job and a life.

Today’s Thought

The way of a superior man is three-fold; virtuous, he is free from anxieties; wise, he is free from perplexities; bold, he is free from fear.  –Confucius

Daily News April 27

Today is Tuesday, April 27, 2010.  It is the 117^th day of the year with 248 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1810, Ludwig von Beethoven wrote Für Elise.
In 2009, a Mexico City toddler was the first swine flu death on American soil.

Today’s News

911 Taxi
A Connecticut woman has been arrested on six counts of misuse of the 911 system after she called 911 several times to request a ride home from a club.  The woman was apparently intoxicated and was concerned about driving drunk, so she continued to dial 911 until a police officer did arrive to give her a ride—to jail.

After all the stories I’ve printed about people misusing 911, why do people persist?  Just in case you didn’t know the 911 system is not a cab service.  They are able to give you a ride, but not to the place you want.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
An NYC homeless man trying to help save someone else’s life was left to die in the middle of the street.  According to the investigation, the homeless man saw a woman being attacked by her boyfriend and went to help her.  He was stabbed several times during the altercation.  The couple ran away when someone else called 911 at 6AM to report the incident but when police arrived they could not find anyone.  Police think the wrong address was given.  The man lay dying in the street for another hour with several people walking past his body without doing anything.  Surveillance cameras in the area showed several people simply walking past the man, or stopping to stare at him.  One person even stopped and lifted up the body to see the pool of blood beneath the man. That person then walked away.  Someone called 911 at 7AM but again the wrong address was given.  Thirty minutes later, another 911 call came in and this time police were able to find him but the man was already dead.

That’s really sad.  I hope I never need help from anybody.  I don’t want to be lying in the street, bleeding to death and people just randomly walk past me like I’m a part of the sidewalk.  The residents in the neighbourhood say it’s not unusual to see people sleeping in the street and others say it’s not their job to determine whether someone needs help or if they’re just trashed.  No, it’s not your job, but everybody wants to live decently.  Whether the guy was drunk or dead, do you really want him lying there in front of your home or business?  People just don’t care anymore, but then again, you don’t want to get involved because you don’t want anybody to come after you.  That’s why I’m moving to Antarctica.

Penis Police
Potential candidates for the police or military in Indonesia will not be able to join if they have had a penis enlargement.  Anybody already in the police or military will be discharged if they decide to get a penis enlargement.  In addition to the hundreds of other questions asked on a military and police application, candidates will also be asked if their “vital organ has been enlarged.”  A police chief stated that men who’ve had an enlargement will be declared unfit for duty because such unnatural sizes are a hindrance during training activities.  According to information, penis enlargement is popular in this area of the world where men often wear additional appendages to appear larger.  Other men use a different technique which involves wrapping the penis in a leaf called gatal-gatal, which strangely means “itchy,” so that the penis will swell up and appear larger.

There are so many things I could say about this, but I’ll refrain from doing so because I could probably go on for days.  Seriously, though, are some men that insecure that they would go to such lengths (I guess the pun is intended) by wrapping their special parts in a leaf that makes them itchy and swollen?  That can’t be safe.  Even if it does get bigger, is still functional?  My guess is that it would be all irritated and you’d spend a lot of time scratching and adjusting.  I want to say something else, but I’m just going to let it go.  But I do wonder how large these penises get that they are a “hindrance” to training.  What sort of training activities do they do in their military that requires a smaller penis?  Okay, I’m done.

Ooops, My Bad
Colorado police are looking for a man who broke into a family home in the middle of the night, then left without taking anything.  The couple in the home stated that a man entered their bedroom at 3 in the morning and waved a gun in their face.  He informed them that he was there to rob them and then he said, “Oh, I’m in the wrong house.  I’m sorry.”  The man reportedly left after that without injuring anyone or taking any items.

Okay, well, first, can you please make sure you have the right address before you attempt to rob someone?  Secondly, if you’re going to go through all that trouble and even if you did get the wrong house, why not just rob them anyway?  I wonder if he intended to rob the house next door or just across the street.  The police don’t say if there were any other break-ins on the block.  He might have been a drunk.  People are so strange.

Be Glad You’re American
Aren’t you glad that you’re an American and you can do things like go to the movies or the circus, and have gold teeth?  And we’re not just talking about limitations on women’s movements, but la-dee-da-dee everybody.  The people of Turkmenistan are once again glad they’re Turkmen because the ban on the circus has been lifted.  The previous president who was in charge for 21 years banned the circus, the movie theatre, opera, the ballet, lip-syncing and gold teeth because these were all seen as “alien.”  The new president has lifted the bans on these activities, however, ballet is still a no-go.  Hundreds of children lined up to see the circus for the first time ever this past weekend.  Before the ban was lifted, the only movie theatres were banquet halls with a large old school television and a DVD player.  Viewers got to vote on the limited movie selection from the local video store.

Not even Blu-Ray?  America ain’t perfect, but why you would want to live anywhere else is beyond me.

Today’s Thought

For those who do not think, it is best at least to rearrange their prejudices once in a while.  –Luther Burbank

Daily News April 14

Today is Wednesday, April 14, 2010.  It is the 104^th day of the year with 261 to go.

Today’s History

In 1828, the first edition of Noah Webster’s American Dictionary of the English Language was published.
In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth at Ford’s Theatre.
In 1912, the RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg and began sinking.

Today’s News

Starting Young
Police in Pennsylvania are investigating a third grade student who may have given his classmates heroin.  The eight year old boy allegedly handed out small bags of heroin labeled “trust me.”  The street value of the heroin is approximately $1000.  Parents were notified that some students came into contact with the substance.

I know they’ve got an investigation going on but can they please give me some more information?  Where did the boy get the stuff?  Is the kid normally a trouble maker?  Did any of the kids actually snort it?  (Do you snort heroin?  Or inject it?)  How did they find out it was that kid giving the stuff out?  What did his parents say?  What did the kid say?  This could be an interesting story if they actually gave out a little more information.  But let this be a lesson to all parents:  hide your stash.

Starting Young, Part 2
A British retailer has decided against selling a two piece bikini with a padded bra.  What’s so wrong with that you ask?  The two piece bikini with padded bra was marketed at seven year old girls.  Children advocates became enraged when the skimpy bikini hit the racks in stores across London.  Some say that particular style of bathing suit sexualizes children and encourages them to grow up quickly.  The bikini was denounced as the “paedo-bikini,” as in paedophilia.  The retailer said that the padding was not to give little girls a booby boost but to protect their modesty and to give them privacy.

What a crock.  Privacy?  Seriously, that’s what they said?  If the bathing suits were for 15 year olds, I’d still be annoyed, but aimed at seven year old girl? That’s just beyond belief and quite disgusting.  They should take a look at whatever perve designed that thing in the first place.  But then again, there are some parents that don’t see anything wrong with this at all.

You Again!
A Maryland man must feel like he has déjà vu after he got into a drunk driving accident with a judge who could have sent him to jail years ago.  The man had gone to court in 1998 for drunk driving when he failed a field sobriety test.  The judge who oversaw his case at the time decided not to send him to jail even though the man already had two drunk driving arrests in three months.  Now in 2010, the man is drinking and driving again, and this time he hit somebody:  that same judge!  The judge and his wife were both injured in the crash.

Two drunk driving charges, and he’s up on a third and you decide not to send him to jail, and now look, a fourth drunk driving charge.  I bet the judge wishes he would have sent the guy to jail in the first place.

And The Winner Is…
…the woman who set her own hair on fire!  A woman from Indiana has accepted her town’s top prize:  The Village Idiot Award.  She was lauded with this honour after she set her own hair on fire while trying to light a cigarette.  The woman admitted to having sprayed half a bottle of hairspray in her hair, which caused it to be more flammable than usual.  She said she was driving to work when she tried to light a cigarette.  There was so much hairspray in her hair that it immediately ignited.  She was able to put the fire out with her hands, which were also coated in hair spray.  The Village Idiot Award comes with a $100 bar tab at a local inn.

Because a person like that needs more alcohol in her life.

He Wasn’t Dead Yet
A German woman has been arrested on suspicion of trying to smuggle a corpse aboard an aircraft, however, she claims that he was still alive when they reached the airport.  “He will still warm at home,” she said after authorities spotted her pushing the husband through the airport in a wheelchair.  The corpse was wearing sunglasses.  Airline officials became suspicious and denied the couple boarding.  The woman stated that she wanted to have him cremated and fly home to Berlin with his ashes.  They were in the UK, spending time with their daughter as they do every year before going back to Germany.

Let’s just say for a minute, that he was dead this entire time, how did she plan on getting him into his seat on the plane?  She was just going to pick him up and shove him into those tiny little seats?  What if he had an aisle seat and the passenger on the window wanted to get up?  Okay, let’s say he was alive when she left home and he died at the airport, can you please explain why she just continued on like nothing happened?  Oh, Herbert’s dead, oh well.  Let’s just keep going.  We don’t want to miss our flight.

Two For One
Nevada police were somehow able to make two DUI arrests from one SUV, after another motorist reported an unsafe driving act.  A driver of another vehicle called 911 after seeing an SUV swerve all over the road.  The driver followed the SUV to a fast food restaurant and witnessed the passenger get out of the passenger seat and stagger over to the driver’s side.  The passenger then pulled the driver get out the car and carried him over to the passenger side.  The passenger then staggered back to the driver side and took the wheel himself.  When police arrived on the scene, both the passenger and driver were found to have three times the legal limit of alcohol.

Two drunks don’t equal a sober driver, or whatever else twisted logic they were trying to come up with.

Today’s Thought

As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.  — Abraham Lincoln

Daily News April 5

Today is Monday, April 5, 2010.  It is the 95^th day of the year with 270 to go.

Today’s History

In 1614, Pocahontas married John Rolfe in Virginia.
In 1951, the Rosenbergs were sentenced to death for conspiring to commit espionage with the Soviet Union.

Today’s News

He’s Dead, Jim
A Pennsylvania man has been charged with one count of public drunkenness after he made a spectacle of himself attempting to revive a dead opossum.  Witnesses say that the opossum had been dead for quite some time, an apparent road kill victim, when the drunk man insisted that he would be able to resuscitate it.  The police report does not describe how the man attempted to revive the dead animal.

I think I don’t even know what to say to this.  He must have been TRASHED.  Road kill + mouth-to-mouth = you don’t even wanna go there.

Daddy Daycare
Police have arrested two men in Michigan for child abandonment.  Someone called the police to report seeing two children locked inside a vehicle at a bowling alley.  When police arrived, they arrested two men, ages 27 and 28, who happened to be the father and uncle of the children.  The kids were aged six and four, and they told police that they had been in the car for two days while their father and uncle drove around getting drunk and partying.  The children were supposed to be with their father for visitation this particular weekend, and they are now returned to their mother.

I guess the argument could be made that he at least attempted to see his children—or not.  So you go pick up the kids because it’s your weekend, and instead of being an actual daddy to the kids, you take them on a two day joyride while you get completely trashed with your uncle.  Why are the father and uncle so close in age?  I know it happens, but it’s still kind of odd.  Anyway, why didn’t he just leave the kids at home?  That isn’t safe, but neither is being locked in a car for two days straight with barely anything to eat and beer bottles strewn all over the place.  Again, I will complain that anybody is allowed to breed.

Just Trying To Help
An Ohio boy just wanted to do his part to help out his parents when he decided to take the family van to get some gas.  The father, who was home taking a nap, didn’t even realize that his son had found his mother’s keys and then attempted to drive the van to the gas station.  The boy was driving about 5 MPH when he lost control of the vehicle and crashed into a telephone pole.  He told police that he could not reach the pedals.

See, there are some decent kids out there that want to help out, do their part with the household chores, but I think this is taken it a little too far kid.  Let’s say the kid did make it to the gas station, how did he intend to pay for the gas?  Got to think things through kid, and now look what you did:  you wrecked the van which your father now has to pay for.  Don’t worry, he’s taking it out of your allowance.

While I’m Here
An 82 year old woman decided that she may as well get her hair done after she ran her car through the front window of a salon.  Maybe the woman was on her way to get her done anyway, who knows?  But she crashed her car, then got out and went up to the counter to make an appointment to get her hair done.  Two people were injured during the incident.  The woman says she was very embarrassed about the incident, but needed to have her hair done.

I guess she figured that since she was about to take a police mug shot, she might as well look good.

I Needed a Ride Home
California police have arrested a man on auto theft and drunk driving charges, after the man stole an unattended ambulance so he could get a ride home.  The man had just spent a few hours in the hospital for intoxication when he checked himself out early Saturday morning.  He went outside to get a cab and instead found an ambulance in the parking lot with the keys still in the ignition.  Because the city’s ambulances have GPS, police were able to find him quickly, and when they did, the man refused to pull over.  He led police on a low-speed chase through a residential neighbourhood before the police finally put an end to the entire escapade by setting out spike strips.

So, he was already in the hospital for intoxication when he checked himself out.  Was he still drunk when he decided to take the ambulance, or was he just that stupid?  How did he get to the hospital in the first place?  Did his friends bring him or was he found super trashed in the streets somewhere?  These articles always leave out the good stuff.

You Said You Could Drive a Stick!
Two men in Pennsylvania have been arrested for attempted to carjack a pizza delivery girl.  The pizza delivery girl was stopped at a red light when two men ran up on her and dragged her out of the car.  They robbed her and attempted to steal her car, but neither one of them knew how to drive a manual transmission.  They jumped out of the car and ran off, without taking anything.

I would have paid to see their faces when they jumped in the car and they saw that stick.  I bet they were like, “Oh, shit, what do we do now?”  Then they ran off without anything.  So dumb.

Wrong Number
Three drug-dealers are off the streets thanks to the fact that one of them texted a drug task force agent instead of a potential buyer.  One of the drug dealers was trying to notify the buyer that they were ready for pickup when he accidentally transposed two of the numbers in the phone number.  When the drug task force agent, who lives about 50 miles north of New York City, saw the text message, he contacted the New York City Police Department so they could setup a sting.  A police officer posed as the potential buyer and when the dealers showed up with the goods, all three were arrested.  Police confiscated 60 bags of heroin.

Stay in school and you might learn how to dial a phone properly.  Crime don’t pay, losers.

Today’s Thought

A man is only as good as what he loves.—Saul Bellow