Crap the Kid Says #9

The Kid and I were having a discussion about religion.  He asked me if I had ever gone to church with my friend.  I told him no I had not.  One, my friend had never invited me and two, I don’t believe in anything my friend believes in.  The Kid replied, “But I thought you like to learn about different religions.”  I said, “I do, but I’ve been to her type of church before.  I’ve been a few times.  I don’t need to go anymore.”

This snowballed into a huge discussion on religion and why there are so many and why people don’t believe in the same things as everybody else.  I said, “People get mad if you believe differently than they do.  They take it as a personal attack, rather than just simply a difference of opinion.”

He said, “So all the religions are enemies?”

“Yes, Kid, they are.  Why do you think there are so many wars? Most wars were fought because someone got pissed that someone else didn’t believe in whatever it is he believed in.  It’s either you think the way I do or we’re gonna fight about it.”

The Kid looked extremely confused.  Then he said, “I thought we fought wars because people were taking our land, like in Vietnam and Iraq.  Afghanistan too.”

Uhm, no Kid, that wasn’t our land, but I guess you’ve been hanging out with Ole Bush a lot lately.

He had no idea what I was talking about but I thought it was hilarious.

Crap the Kid Says #8

So, the Kid’s dad just called and said he got him a Blackberry for his birthday.  The Kid is very excited because he wants us to text each other all day long.  I told him why doesn’t he ask his dad to send the phone up here so he can text his friends.  He said he didn’t have any his friends’ phone numbers.  I said, “Why don’t you text your brother or your mom?”

According to the Kid, ”

Old people should not text.”

Old people?  Who is old?  Apparently his mom.  “My mom be texting all the time,” he said.  I said to him, “I text.”  He bust out laughing.  He has seen me text.  I spend an awful lot of time on Facebook and Twitter on my iPhone.  Sad, but true.  While he’s laughing, I’m wondering if he’s laughing at me because I’m “too old to text” or if it’s just sad that I text.  I have no idea.  Then he turns around and says, ”

But you don’t really look old.  Since you look like you’re 20, then it’s okay.  And plus you don’t have any kids.”

So, in order to be allowed to text, you have to look young or be young, and you can’t have any kids.

Sorry, guys.

Crap the Kid Says #7

While touring Boston this weekend, he said,

Are we tourists or terrorists?

Sometimes I’m not sure there’s a difference, kid.

Crap the Kid Says #6

Last night, I was playing Mariah Carey’s greatest hits very loudly in the front room.  When I put on her music, I pretend to be a backup singer and sing at the top of my lungs, trying to overpower her.  The kid comes in and says,

I’m going to buy you your own karaoke machine.

I blithely informed him that I do not need a karaoke machine.  Then he says,

What about your own record label?

I guess he thinks he’s Tony Mattola or something.  Because kids frequently buy their own record labels and give them out as gifts.

Crap the Kid Says #5

I asked him to sweep the kitchen so I could mop.  He asked me if he could sweep the front room and I said don’t worry about it.  On second thought I told him to go ahead.  He exclaimed, “Yes!!!”  When I looked at him strangely, he replied:

So?  Housewives like to clean, read books and be alone.  I like to sweep.

I don’t know why he mentioned housewives, the comment was just ridiculous.

Crap the Kid Says #4

We were sitting down, chillin, listening to Erykah Badu’s new song Window Seat:

That part kinda don’t make no sense.  She said she want a window seat cuz she don’t want nobody next to her, but if you get a window seat, then somebody will be sitting next to you.  You got that middle seat and the other seat on the end.  You really can’t get no seat with nobody next to you, so I don’t know what this song is about.

Leave it to the kid to dissect a song so minutely that all the joy is stripped of it.

Crap the Kid Says #3

We’re sitting down enjoying our evening, listening to Sade.

Do you think I can beat Sade in a singing contest?

Crap the Kid Says #2

The kid and I were having dinner just now.  I gave him a chicken sausage and two pieces of chicken I barbequed over the weekend.  He was chowing down.

I feel sorry for the chickens.  They get killed and it tastes delicious.

Crap the Kid Says #1

The kid and I were out for our evening walk last night.  We heard a rustle in the bushes.  I turned and saw a deer.  The kid started screaming and he ran off.  When I caught up with him, I said, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

He said, “I thought it was a tiger.”

Oh, okay, because tigers are usually roaming freely in suburban Maryland.

Then a leopard or a panther or something.