Cubicle Death #16: Answer the Damn Phone!

So, I work in an area where there are several offices.  All of these offices are not related.  In general, we have no idea what is going on in each other’s office.  Oh, and by the way, the offices are not separated by walls.  It’s just a bunch of desks, a low cubicle wall and some more desks, a low cubicle wall and some other desks.

The office that is across from mine is a military office.  In addition to all their paperwork, they also have military tasks.  They have to do PT in the morning.  They have to go to the weapons range.  They have to do a lot of military things, so they aren’t always in their office.

They have a loud ass ringing phone that is incredibly annoying when there is no one to answer it.  Occasionally, because I cannot stand the sound of the phone I will answer it and leave a message for them.  When they are in the office they pick up on the first ring so it’s not problem.

This morning, they are out of the office.  Who knows where they are.  The phone starts ringing.  And ringing.  And ringing.  And ringing.  And ringing.  Whoever is calling must be calling all the different numbers associated with the office, not realising that even though there are four numbers for every office, all the numbers ring the same damn phone.

The phone has been ringing non-stop for 30 minutes.  It’s aggravating.  But what makes it more aggravating?  One of the military personnel comes into the office and sits down.  Presumably, he is waiting for the people who actually work there to come back.  The phone is ringing.  He just stares at it.  The phone rings continually for about five minutes.  Everyone in my office is starting to get irritated.  Even the office on the other side of ours is like, “Whose phone is that?”  The military guy is staring at the phone.

I’m like, “Could you please answer the phone?”

He says….

.… wait for it…….

………………………wait for it………………………….

“I would, but I don’t know how to use it.”

What the fuck do you mean, you don’t know how to use a phone?  I got so mad that I couldn’t even respond to such a stupid statement.  There is another military office on the other side of my office and the guy that works in there is pretty high ranking.  He gets up out of his desk and walks all the way across the hallway to the young military guy and the loud ass ringing phone.

“Do you work over here?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Can you answer the phone?”

“I would, but I don’t know how.”

“You pick up the receiver and say ‘hello.’  And then you take a message if you’re not able to help them.  It’s very easy.”

We do not have any special phones over here.  No, they aren’t like your average house phone but it’s like any office where you have multiple lines.  You pick up the receiver and press the flashing light (that’s the line that’s ringing) and then you say, “Hello.”  How hard is that?  Well, we don’t say ‘hello,’ but you get my meaning.  It’s not rocket fucking science.

This jackass will sit there and let the phone ring for ten minutes straight because he claims he does not know how to use a phone.  Really?  Really??????  Where do they get these people!?!!?

Cubicle Death #14: You’ve Got Mail

I took five days off work for the Thanksgiving holiday.  Before I left work, I cleared my inbox and deleted all unnecessary emails.  I don’t like having email clutter so I keep it carefully organised.

I returned to work this Monday to discover that I had 728 new emails.

Seven-hundred twenty-eight emails.

Really.  And who thinks I’ll be reading all 728 emails?  If you said “no one” you’re a winner.  I didn’t even read one.  I didn’t even bother to look to see who they were from.

Select all.  Delete.

Do you really want to permanently delete all selected messages?

Yes, I do.  Thank you and have a nice day.  I figure if it’s that important whoever emailed me will just email me back.  And if it’s not that serious they’ll have forgotten they emailed me in the first place.  I can’t believe I had that any emails in my box when I came back to work.  It doesn’t seem like I get that many messages over the course of five working days.  But you know, on top of that, here’s the true mystery:  who the hell was emailing me like that across the holiday?  Most of the offices go down to minimised work force.  You don’t need everybody on staff during the holidays and weekends.

I hope it wasn’t anything serious but like I just said:  they’ll email me back or they won’t bother.  Either way I ain’t reading 728 emails.

Cubicle Death #12: Office Music

It’s 7:15AM and my co-worker is blaring Gospel music at his desk.

At this hour of the morning, it is fairly quiet in the building.  Only about 20% of the workforce is in yet.  In our particular office, it’s just me, him and the girl who answers the phones.  So it’s kinda quiet over here.  I was just minding my business, reading the news when I hear “Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!” Since he is the uber-Christian, I knew it had to be him.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love the Lord just as much as anybody else, but I don’t like Gospel music.  A group of black people screaming “Jesus” and “Hallelujah!” into a microphone is not really singing.  On top of all that, this is an office not a church.  Since we do not have the benefit of having our own offices with doors, you should probably invest in some headphones because I’m not in the mood right now.

Thanks.

Cubicle Death #11: Random Office Conversations

So, I’ve already talked about what you shouldn’t wear in the office, but I don’t think I’ve ever covered what you shouldn’t say in the office.

Let’s go over some random conversations I happened overhear during my meander through the hallways.

Yeah, if you would have been a good boy you would have gotten laid.
-Older frumpy woman with bad haircut and 1990s bangs

I was coming from the cafeteria when I heard that one.

Girl to co-worker as she is dialling on the phone:  Yeah, he called me a slut!
Person on phone:  [unintelligible]
Girl:  Oh, no, not you.  Wow.  I didn’t know the phone call would go through that fast.

I was sitting at my desk listening to two women talk about some guy they work with.

My wife said she wants to get breast implants, but I’m not sure if I like that.  Maybe if she gets a triple E.
-Man in stairwell

I was on my way outside for some fresh air, when I overheard this man in the stairwell talking to two other guys and some lady.  Seriously, these are three random conversations I happened upon.

Of course, there are certain conversations that don’t belong in the office, but even if your conversation is totally appropriate, you may want to consider whether you should speak at all.  Sometimes the very sound of your voice can be annoying to your co-workers.  Repeating things nonsensically or talking in an unnecessarily loud voice should be avoided at all costs.

In my office there are there offices if you understand what I’m saying.  Like I said, it’s just a huge ass room with some cubicles in it, but different sections represent different departments.  In the department across from mine is an annoying asshole who likes to repeat idiotic things over and over in an unnecessarily loud obnoxious voice.

For example:

Joran van der Sloot is verrrrrrrrrrrrrry bad.

[two minutes later]

Joran van der Sloot is verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry bad.

[one minute later]

Joran van der Sloot is reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllly bad.

[two minutes later]

The FBI is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

[a minute later]

I wanna be compensated by BP.

[two minutes later]

I want some money from BP.

[30 seconds later]

Can I get some money from BP.

One of my co-workers, a mild-mannered older gentleman turned around and said, “Why the hell is he continually repeating himself over and over?  I want him to shut up!”

We have flat screen TVs in the office with a news channel on, and you know the top stories in the news right now are Joran van der Sloot (The Natalee Holloway guy) and the BP oil spill gusher.  We already hear from the news what is going on, do we need an echo in here?  I don’t think so.

Please do not be an annoying co-worker or someone like me might blog about you and say really bad things about you like, “Please die at your earliest possible convenience.  Thanks, management.”